Crushing Loneliness: Spontaneous Post

So, this isn't a scheduled post, I didn't plan it, I don't know if it's even going to help anyone but I started this blog to get my feelings out so I shouldn't really be apologising before I've even started!

I wanted all my posts to be positive and smiley, but anxiety isn't always positive and smiley. Right now, it's pretty bleak. I don't even know if this is related to my anxiety but I am so, so lonely. Everyday, I wake up, I get ready, I pretend to be cheery and upbeat and fun but on the inside, I feel like everyone hates me and I really wish I felt like I had friends other than my boyfriend and my mum.

Now, if you're a friend reading this, I don't want to offend you or hurt you and it probably isn't true but I feel so alone. I didn't know how hard it would hit me to know that my closest friend at uni will never feel the same way. She still her childhood best friend, her school friends, flatmates around her and I feel so terrible about saying this but I'm so jealous. I care about my friends so deeply and it's crushing feeling like it's constantly one sided. I've found myself with no-one to live with next year so that's a journey I imagine I'll write about soon.

I don't want this to be a huge crying session so let's make this a little productive as writing it down when I've been bottling it for weeks is proving to be therapeutic. How can people help? Not necessarily me, but anyone feeling lonely. I will literally listen to anything, I love hearing about what's going on in people's lives; rants, love life, what you had for breakfast that was totally amazing, the fact that you hate your underwear today and you must have been on crack when you bought it... Basically, people talking to me about anything makes me feel better. So, I guess if you're a concerned friend, check in once in a while. My rule with friends is that I've always got time, there are 24 hours in a day, I will always have at least 10 minutes for my loved ones. I guess that's why I'm so upset. I don't feel like I have that for me. And it's a feeling I've had for most of my life, certainly throughout my teens. I've always wished I felt like I had friends that cared as much as I do.

At university, it's been a hell of a ride for loneliness. I had a group of friends for the first semester of first year that made me feel good, except they all decided to stop inviting me to things. Why? Because I apparently didn't have a mental breakdown when I should have done so that made me dishonest? I know. I thought it was a bullshitty reason too! Then I hung out with my flatmates and the flat next door but somehow, I didn't really... fit? They all seemed really confident, cool people and I'm not gonna lie, I was intimidated by them. Needless to say, they stopped speaking to me come second year. Now this year's a tough one. I like the people in my flat. I do. Sure, I get annoyed when they leave the lights on or don't do their washing up, but they're only human. I really don't like my flat though, it just has a really odd vibe for me and I find I can never truly relax. Unfortunately, they like the flat and would like to stay so I've found myself on my own for next year... It's been tough to swallow, really tough but I'm sure something will crop up in the end.

So, if you feel really lonely too, you're not alone in your loneliness, and I will listen to you 100%. And, if you happen to need a flatmate for next year, hello friend!

I'm sorry this was a long, rambling post that was really sad but I needed to get it out. Next week is Edinburgh Mental Health and Wellbeing week so do look out for some happier scheduled posts.

As always, do subscribe, share, comment, what have you,

lots of love,

Sarah xxx

Today's song: Queen "The Show Must Go On" (let's at least have a non weepy song!)