Boys DO Cry, and That’s OK

Now, we're coming to the end of mental health and wellbeing week and it's been great. However, what's been missing for me has been the conversation about men's mental health. Now I am as feminist as they come and I appreciate that men have a huge amount of privilege but feminism affects men too. Any sign of emotion is seen as feminine. So, in the absence of any meetings/talks that I saw, I have taken it upon myself to talk about this.

But Sarah, you’re a girl, I hear you cry! Well spotted, I am indeed. However, I am blessed to have a lot of fantastic men in my life. Only sleeping with one of them, I promise! I love them all dearly, and what I love most about them is the fact that they’re all different. From tattooed, bearded bikers, to camp, spider-fearing divas, I have a whole spectrum of men close to my heart. And however they choose to conduct themselves, they are all as manly as it is possible to be. I don’t believe in this ridiculous construction of “manliness”. So, I guess this blog post is a message to my male friends. You are doing ok, and you are enough.

I think we’ve all heard the phrase “man up” and if we’re being totally honest with ourselves, have probably used it a couple of times. What we might not realise is that those two little words are actively destroying the mental wellbeing of millions of men world wide. It’s a phrase that tells men that they have to be strong all the time, that they’re not allowed to feel scared, or upset… That they aren’t allowed to display any form of humanity. In fact, I spoke to a few men this week and their thoughts were pretty revealing. I’m choosing to keep them anonymous because the internet can be a pretty nasty place.

The only ones who said they would be comfortable with expressing emotion publicly were gay. What was most revealing was their phrase, “I think it’s maybe because I’m gay and not really seen as a proper man that I feel that I can cry.” I mean, do I really need to analyse that statement for it to become meaningful? I’ll just leave it for you to digest.

The heterosexual men were pretty unanimous. They said they felt like they had to hide their feelings unless they were speaking privately to someone they felt very close to. Others said they felt like it was weak to be feeling the way they did; that it somehow made them feel like they were less of a man. Again, we’re getting a bit of a theme here, that idea of there being degrees of manliness somehow.

I also have 3 small nephews, the eldest of which (he's 4) is already being taught toxic ideas of masculinity. He's learning that he's got to be strong, play with "toys for boys", and not to do things "like a girl". But Cole by nature is a sensitive and caring soul. He gets upset when others are upset and can feel overwhelmed in big social situations. That's just who he is, and I will be so sad if he ever feels the need to change to become more "manly".

So, if you’re reading this and you think that it’s not ok for men to be as emotional as we think women are, prepare to have your mind blown. Men are human beings with feelings. Their bodies are scrutinised too. They’re told to be muscular, to be strong, to remain constant at all times otherwise they’re labelled as “obviously” gay or even worse, girly. But guys, that mentality is damaging you! I see it every day. I have sat with a male friend at 2am before whilst they sobbed on my bed because they felt like they were failing at life and no-one would ever find them attractive. I’ve had messages from one of the most stereotypically “manly” men I know worrying that he just wasn’t strong enough to cope but he couldn’t say how he felt because he didn’t want to process those feelings. I’ve had phone calls from men crying their eyes out because they’d just had their heart broken by the love of their lives. I’ve seen self harm scars, panic attacks, tears, substance abuse… I could go on but you’d all fall asleep. This is happening right now, all around us so why are we telling men to just “get over it”, to “man up”, to “stop acting like a big girl”.

Gentlemen, your emotions deserve to be felt. To be able to show them is a sign of strength. Being skinny, or emotional, or frightened… it doesn’t make you any less of a man, it makes you human.

So why not start calling people out on their bullshit? Telling someone to “man up” isn’t cool. It’s damaging. Make a point of asking after your friends. Support each other so that maybe one day, this won’t be such a taboo.

I hope you’ve all had a great mental health week.

Do join my mailing list/share this around.

Lots of Love,

Sarah xxx

Today's track: Gnarls Barkley 'Just a Thought'