How To Support a Friend Who's Struggling
Hello!
Christmas time is meant to be a time for family and friends to get together, be with each other, and be kind to each other. In my experience, Christmas is mostly about planning, about thinking ahead and being blind to what's going on around you. There's so much to do: presents to be bought and wrapped, meals to be planned, invitations to be replied to and sent, cards to write, people to see, cakes to ice, decorations to put up... there's so much going on that you might not notice a friend or relative that hasn't been themselves recently, there's just too much going on. Or, you may have noticed but have absolutely no idea what to do.
I've seen quite a few guides to supporting friends/loved ones, and they're good in their own right, but I have always felt like they're written from the perspective of someone who isn't struggling. So, based on what I would want my friends to do, and what I have done for my friends in the past, I have decided to write my own post on how to support a friend, and I hope it's somewhat useful!
1. See the person as themselves, and not their struggles.
For me, it is so important that I am seen as Sarah the person, rather than Sarah with Anxiety. Yes, I have anxiety and it is a part of my life, but it is not my whole life. I would much rather someone remembered me as someone from choir, or as a girl from sociology, or the girl with the yellow pinafore with dinosaurs on, or the one who writes a blog. If you have a friend with any sort of difficulty, be it anorexia, anxiety, or arthritis (unintentional alliteration!), remember the person they are aside from that. Try not to think "This is Jen; Jen's an anorexic." Think "This is Jen; Jen's great at fashion design and smoothie recipes. She just so happens to be suffering with anorexia just now." That kind of positivity will go a long way, I promise.
2. Check in with them often, but don't start treating them as a breakable object.
Send your friend a text, give them a ring, arrange to meet up... Do that as often as you can but make sure you treat them in the same way as you did before they started to struggle/got worse. I know that I want to be treated as a normal person when I feel really anxious, and if I'm being self destructive or pessimistic, I want people to tell me! I cannot be dealing with people tip-toeing around me for fear of upsetting me. Ask your friends how they're doing, do it often because we need that support, but don't just focus on what's wrong. Just talking about nothing can be the best medicine.
3. Understand that your friend needs validation. Their worries are not as ridiculous to them as they are to you.
This is a big one for me. Sometimes all I need is reassurance. Just someone to say that I'm not failing, my makeup isn't overdone (obviously don't just randomly say something like that because then you start worrying whether your makeup normally looks overdone!), my friends don't hate me, and my blog isn't rubbish. Friends, if you read my blogs and you enjoyed one in particular, please tell me, share it if you want to but telling me your thoughts is really helpful. So if your friend tells you that they feel something that you see as completely untrue, give them a bit of validation, quite often, just a tiny bit of reassurance is all that's needed.
4. Ask them what would make them feel better.
Sometimes, validation doesn't work. If your friend tells you they feel a certain way a number of times, telling them that they don't need to be worried about certain things obviously isn't helping. Ask them if there's anything you can do to help them cope with these feelings. For example, I love it when friends message me to make unexpected plans. And I find it very helpful to receive a little message from a friend telling me that the blog made them smile today, or helped with something they were struggling with. I find both of those far more helpful than just hearing "Of course your friends don't hate you!" or "Of course your blog isn't rubbish!" Asking what you can do is a far more positive way of helping than just brushing off their worries.
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5. Let them know how you feel about them.
If you hate to see your friend struggling, you wish they knew how much they mean to you, or you don't understand how they can't see how loved they are to so many people... Tell them. If you tell someone that they mean a lot to you, and that they're very important, it will massively help their self esteem. I know I'd appreciate it from my friends once in a while. You don't even have to say something as big as "I love you." to show you care. I was at a restaurant with my boyfriend last night, I was tired, and I'd been feeling on edge all day. He was making a fuss about where I was going to sit and eventually confessed, "I'm just trying to work out where you'll feel most comfortable." Something that seems as tiny as that, is actually hugely significant. Let your friends know how much they matter, trust me.
6. Listen, but admit when you cannot help.
Sometimes, people need professional help, and that's ok. If they haven't gone to seek professional help, you are completely within your rights to advise them to do so. You are not letting anyone down, I promise. Tell them you care, that you're listening, but you're not qualified to help them completely. Inform them of places they can go, go with them to appointments, support them along the way, but you don't have to do everything yourself. As someone struggling with a mental illness, I would never expect anyone else to cope with all of my problems, and it would be totally unfair of me to expect them to. If you feel like you're letting them down, believe me, you'd be letting them down more if you didn't advise professional help.
Watching a loved one go through something like this is hard. It is. And you're not a bad person for finding it difficult. However, you need to have a positive attitude, don't turn your back on your loved ones, and remember to listen. It will get easier.
I hope this was somewhat useful, do let me know if it was, and share it if you feel it would help others.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
Today's Track: Ed Sheeran, 'Even My Dad Does Sometimes'
