Learning to Say No. (Let's Talk About Sex Series)
Hello!
As you will have noticed from the title, this is the first of a series of blogs talking about sex. Now, I am of the opinion that we don't talk about sex enough and consequently, unhealthy attitudes develop. I had been planning this series for a while and I was going to kick off with "Let's Talk About Sex With Anxiety", and I will still do that post, but I thought that perhaps it would be more helpful to talk about sex from the beginning.
In my last blog post, you will have seen that I'm coming up to one year with Joe. That year hasn't been easy because I hadn't really learnt what respectful sex was until I met him. When we're at school, we learn about the biology of it all, the mechanics, and the disastrous things that can happen if you don't use protection. But they don't teach you the other side to sex. They don't teach you about the emotions you go through, the nervousness surrounding another person seeing your naked body. They also don't teach you about the dangers of pornography; the fact that your partner may have watched porn and may start to think it's a reflection of reality. They teach you what the age of consent is, but they don't tell you that 16 is an incredibly young age, and that you might not be emotionally ready to do it. And what perhaps aggravates me the most is that they don't teach you that sex is not a dirty thing. I'd like to make that point clear in this series; sex is not a dirty thing.
I lost my virginity at 16 and when I look back on it now, I realise that I was far too young, and I just wasn't ready. I was very nervous and I didn't tell my partner at the time that I was frightened. Now I will stress now that it vitally important to be honest with your partner about how you feel. I thought that because I was over the age of consent and in a relationship that I had to be having sex, and that I wasn't allowed to say no. I had horrendous body confidence issues, not actually helped by the relationship I was in. He had told me that he didn't like fat girls, and that he wouldn't be with me if I was fat. He intended it as a compliment but me being me took it as a challenge. So, I went on ridiculous diets, and became extremely unhappy with how I looked. Therefore, having to be naked to have sex started to make me feel quite sick. But still, I carried on doing it. I knew he enjoyed sex after all, and I would be disappointing him if I didn't do it. It was my job.
Now, if you're reading this and you identify with sex feeling like a job, stop. I know now that sex shouldn't feel like a job, and I wish schools would teach that. "No" is a very hard word to say but if you feel even slightly off about having sex, even if you love your partner, you have got to say it. Otherwise, you end up in the situation that I was in: staring at the ceiling feeling a bit sick, hyper conscious of this body part inside you, wishing it was over. Please, please do have that conversation with your partner.
It also didn't help that when I was in this relationship, we were one of the "iconic school couples". Everyone said were "relationship goals" and I must be so happy, but feeling like I had to have sex with him every time we weren't at school underneath it all started to become exhausting. The boys at our school weren't properly taught about periods so they developed an unhealthy opinion of them. I started to try and hide the fact that I had periods at all and wore two sets of underwear when I was on so he couldn't see any evidence, and I actually worried that I wouldn't be able to have sex - as if that was the most important thing! Girls, your periods are not disgusting. Boys, if you have questions or anything you don't understand about periods, do ask. I hate to think that there are girls out there who feel ashamed about their periods because schools are painfully British about the whole thing. And also, please don't start worrying about whether or not you're able to have sex because you're on your period. Focus on looking after yourself. That's the most important thing.
I've made a lot of excuses here but there was actually a time when I tried to say that I didn't want to have sex. I asked what he would say if I said no and he said, "I'd ask you why, and I'd try and persuade you to say yes." As you can probably imagine, I didn't say no after that, however much I wanted to. And feeling like you can't say no is damaging for future relationships. With Joe, there'd be times when I completely freaked out and couldn't bear him touching me. I'd start crying or hyperventilating, and he'd have to persuade me that it was ok to say no. And I'm writing this to confirm that actually, it is ok to say no.
If you have a conversation with your partner and they try and persuade you to say yes, they just aren't listening to you. If they continue not to listen to you, please get out of that relationship. It's not healthy, and it has the potential to ruin future relationships.
So, in the absence of sex education that's actually good enough at school, I want to teach you a few things. Sixteen is not old enough for everyone. At school, there will be a lot of pressure on losing your virginity, and on sex as this incredible adult thing that you should absolutely be doing. (The first time is always crap!) If you're not ready, the strongest thing you can do is to hold your ground and wait.
Secondly, asking for consent shouldn't stop just because you've had sex before. Consent should be asked for with each session, not just with full penetrative sex, but with any sexual act.
Thirdly, I haven't mentioned orgasms but I will just now. Sex should not just be about getting to an orgasm, it should be about the journey between two people, and I firmly believe that teens need to be taught that.
Fourthly, I also haven't mentioned underwear choice. I always thought that I needed to wear sexually appealing underwear to be seen as attractive, and honestly, you don't. Personally, I love a bit of lace but now, it's for me. You should never feel you have to wear something for your partner, and they should never expect it. If you want to, great! Go ahead, but don't ever feel you need to.
Fifth, shaving. The porn industry has created some ridiculous expectations, especially on women, that they have to completely shave their pubic hair. I mean, before I voice my own opinions on this, you should know that it's actually medically unsafe to shave it all off. Believe it or not, your pubic hair is there for a reason: to prevent infection and to stop nasty things from getting inside your body. Shaving it off increases your chance of infection. It also increases the risk of ingrown hairs, and infected cuts. It's just not great for you! However, I understand that having a great dark bush down there can seem daunting (despite the fact that shaving is just fashion) so you might want to trim it a bit. But you should only trim it because you personally feel you want to do it. Your partner has no right to tell you how to have your pubic hair, however it looks on porn. You don't have to look like a porn star to be sexually attractive, it's not a reflection of reality.
I could go on, and I will, just not in this post as there are certain topics that deserve their own posts. As for this one, I was fully prepared to go in all guns blazing saying "he did xyz" but actually I realised that the internet is a nasty place, and actually, we were teenagers and we didn't have a clue what we were doing and I think we've both grown up and matured a lot since then. It was unhealthy for both of us most likely, but the sexual aspect affected me long after the relationship ended so I'm not writing it to be nasty. I'm writing it because I think there must be lots of people going through the same thing, and I want you to feel like you're not alone so I hope this helped in some way. It's also nice to be able to get it off my chest!
As always, feel free to message me if this affected you. I now have a facility to send me a message directly from my site so do feel free to use that. Join my mailing list if you want to read more, I'd love to have you on board. Also, do share my posts on social media if they've helped you. And a very happy new year!
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
