The Worst Panic Attack I've Ever Had.
Hello!
You know those days where you feel like jumping off a cliff, or getting on a train to some far off place for no reason, or dying your hair acid green, but you're actually far too tired to do any of those things? That's today for me. And wanting to do something reckless is most likely a reaction to having had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life last night.
I mean, panic attacks are kind of par for the course of having an anxiety disorder and everyone knows that so I was probably just planning to do a random post in the future about breathing techniques or something, but there's no way it would have helped on an attack of last night's scale. I was kind of fighting panic constantly over the last week. My gran is in hospital and has been very close to the end on several occasions. Of course, that has upset me and my whole family so must be a contributing factor. I'm worried about going back to uni, and back to music and work etc. I never realised that being online would freak me out so much (getting used to it) because people can be so nasty! But the delete button is pretty useful I've found! All of this combined, I was starting to hyperventilate a little if I thought about it too much, but I had it under control - just. It would just take one more push and I would lose that control; it just so happened that a simple Facebook message was that push.
It was like someone had flipped a switch inside me. One second I was staring at my phone screen and the next, I was on my side gasping for air. Luckily I had Joe with me but this time, he couldn't reach me. He was trying to get me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, but that's pretty hard when your nose is blocked and all you can think about is how your neck muscles are closing in around your windpipe! It was like someone had plunged me into the coldest water imaginable and I was suddenly panicking about absolutely everything. I even began to panic that I would end up in hospital and that my mum would be upset with me for making her visit the hospital more often. As things got worse, as my neck began to hurt, I was absolutely positive that I was going to die - Joe was constantly adjusting my body to try and open my airways a fraction more - and my vision of him was blurring. All that was in my head was "This is it. I am going to die."
Interestingly, as soon as you believe you are going to die during a panic attack, you instantly become more aware of everything keeping you alive. My heart was hammering so hard I was sure it was going to burst out of my chest. My breaths were ragged and painful but they were there. The blood pumping around my body was drumming heat into my face in a way I couldn't ignore. Joe was still there telling me I would be alright. And even though I thought I couldn't do it and my muscles were screaming, my breaths began to slow, and soon I returned to normal. I was exhausted but very much alive.
Normally in my blogs I try to be as positive as possible but today I'm going to admit that I'm angry with myself. I'm angry that I forgot how to breathe, lost all control, and basically gave up. I'm angry that my neck still hurts, and my muscles are still tense. But I'm not just angry, I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't stay strong, and ashamed that I needed my boyfriend to try and open my airway while I was conscious. But despite this, I want to write about my experiences to let others know that they aren't alone, and that it's ok to feel like this.
Next time, we'll try paper bags to stop the hyperventilating but if you don't have any, I want you to remember a few things.
It will be over eventually. Mine went on for 20 minutes, could have been more, but we'll call it 20. It felt like days, but it ended. Even if you have another panic attack afterwards, or multiple panic attacks, it will end. And when I think about it, 20 minutes is a tiny fraction of my life.
You will not die. If you feel like you are sure you are going to, remember the things that show life: heartbeat, breathing, warmth. Chances are, you're sweating from the effort of fighting the panic, your heart is beating so loud you're sure the whole world can hear, and the sound of your breaths is the loudest sound of all. It's vile, but you are alive.
Everything you are panicking about will feel like the worst thing in the world, but it will get better. This is what I'm trying to work on now. A death in the family will be painful, but it won't kill me, and one day it will be easier to bear. No-one can force me to do anything musically or academically. If people are unkind online, I can just block them. Even if all my friends decide to walk away, I can make new ones. There is always a choice, it might not be easy, but it's there.
Things are challenging right now but I know it will get easier. I hope this helped at least one person. Feel free to message me if it did.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
