Things I've Learnt From a Year of Respect
Hello!
I know it's been a week since I last blogged, and that's not like me as I aim for 2 a week. There is a reason and I'll talk about it in my next blog post, but today's subject had to be done on the 12th.
For those of you who aren't aware, the 12th of January is mine and Joe's anniversary. Before Joe I'd only really ever had very controlling, manipulative, unhealthy relationships (apart from someone I dated for approx 5 mins and he didn't talk to me!), so I had no idea what respect was like. Believe it or not, it wasn't a relief at first, I had no idea how to respond.
I met Joe on Tinder (much as it pains me to admit it) at the start of January last year and even before we made it official, it was obvious he was different. Suddenly, I had someone asking me how I was, texting me every day to say good morning, telling me what he was doing if he was going to be gone for a few hours... Now, you're probably reading this thinking that that's perfectly normal behaviour for a partner, and perhaps you're right, but I'd never had that before. We went straight into long distance with no hitch, he was willing to make the effort just as much as I was, video calling, regularly texting, and getting the train up to Edinburgh every few weeks. He made sure I was comfortable with everything, was interested in what I was interested in, and didn't fixate on my anxiety.
Sounds pretty good, right? It should have felt good too. But, if I'm 100% honest, in those first few months I was considering running away and leaving. Why? I think it was because I was frightened that I was suddenly being respected. I had become used to being controlled, having to work hard to be noticed, and half expected a partner to turn round and slap me... and I would have wholeheartedly believed that I deserved it. I didn't think that this kind of niceness happened to girls like me so I guess my natural instinct was to run away. Thank goodness I didn't. I learnt that actually, everyone deserves to be treated with respect, and that my treatment in previous relationships wasn't normal.
Having got over that little(ish) niggle, I then learnt that long distance relationships don't have to suck. It's just a case of both parties putting the same amount of effort in, trust (a hell of a lot of it), and a mutual understanding of each other's lives. Myself and Joe are both very busy people so it's not always possible to talk much through the day but a phone call in the evening makes up for that. I get asked a lot about how I cope with the worry of him meeting someone else or vice versa. I've got to be brutally honest, it is true that it would be easy for one party to cheat and the other to not know, you've just got to trust that they won't. Neither of us have even considered it and that trust is there but my advice to others would be to make sure you have that trust there. Of course there have been times when it's been more difficult, but for the most part, the distance has been pretty plain sailing.
Another thing is that weight change shouldn't matter. As you will know if you've read my weight change blog, I put on, and indeed lost a fair amount of weight in the past year. In previous relationships, that would have been an issue, but not this one. I kind of find it weird that I'm surprised by this actually because Joe's weight has fluctuated too but it's barely crossed my mind.. I mean bodies do that, right? So girls in particular, why are you pressuring yourself so much?
I think the last thing, and most important, is that I am my own person, and my ideas are not stupid. In previous relationships, I was always known as "X's Girlfriend", and my ideas were quite often laughed/sneered at as "too ambitious". There's a reason why my school LGBT+ project took so long to actually do! But this year, I was encouraged to continue that work, to start my own website, to try new things, and to be ambitious. And, honestly, that's the way it should be. Your partner shouldn't feel threatened by your achievements, or how you choose to behave. They shouldn't berate you for your mistakes, and should be able to applaud you without feeling like they've underachieved.
I think I've definitely grown as a person over the last year, and I'm very grateful to Joe for teaching me what respect feels like.
I tried to make this as non gooey as possible, and I hope I achieved that!
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
