It's Time to Stop Pretending
Hello!
We're back from the holidays now and everyone seems to be having the same conversation that goes something like this: "Hi, how're you! How was your Christmas? Happy New Year!"and you're kind of expected to respond with something like "Hey! I'm good thanks! It was lovely!" though I must admit, my honest response would be something entirely different.
My honest response would be "Christmas had it's ups and downs. Right now, I'm working on getting better." But, if people didn't know I was ill in the first place, they'd be confused at the phrase "getting better". That's what we're going to chat about today.
I feel like I owe all of you an apology for being a hypocrite. There I was, writing blog posts on mindfulness, accepting medication, and how you need to look after yourself. But was I actually looking after myself when I was writing these posts? No. I had taken on far too much last semester: I was a member of Edinburgh Studio Opera, Edinburgh University Renaissance Singers, Edinburgh University Music Society Chorus, Edinburgh University Trampoline Club, alongside a degree subject with two outside courses, a long distance relationship, and a blog. Of course, something had to give because I was getting ill - that something had to be the opera because I just couldn't commit to the time that was needed realistically, and in trying to keep up, I was spiralling.
I was writing about mindfulness, cheerfully declaring that I was able to use it to fall asleep, but I left out the fact that I would wake up in a cold sweat worrying about rehearsals, and deadlines. I wrote that post on accepting medication but didn't admit that I was using the drugs to get through rehearsals that I knew I hadn't had time to prepare for - worrying that my lack of preparation would show. I'd phone my boyfriend on the way to society meetings of any kind, trying to avoid panic attacks. Quite often, I'd get home and cry because I was so tired and anxious.
When the holidays came, it was a relief that it had all stopped for a while. However, I knew I needed to practice my music; but when I sat at the piano, my fingers wouldn't play, my throat would constrict, I'd hear a ringing in my ears and I'd stop. I was starting to collapse from stress, and my colour became an almost permanent absence from my face. As the anxiety worsened, I was given a warning that if I carried on doing the same amount with the same amount of stress, I would be hospitalised by the time the show came, and another anxiety crash would mean considering a break from university. So, I pulled out and began to recover.
However, I can't just get better overnight, these things take time. And I want to admit it now, I was making myself ill and getting worse and worse but pretending everything was lovely. I'm sorry for doing that and I don't want to do it again.
I'm coming to realise that actually, admitting that things are pretty dire is not a weakness, it's a strength. I'm going to take control of my anxiety now, like properly. If this helped, then great but I'll give you this tip for free: don't make the same mistakes I have.
So how am I? I think we'll stick with recovering for now.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
