Body Image Part 2: Thin Enough?
Hello!
Today I wanted to continue my body image series and talk about something that's been on my mind more than I care to admit lately, which is whether I am thin enough. But that's a damaging mentality, I hear you cry! You're 100% correct and I promise I'm not about to write about what my idea of a perfect body is. No, I want to talk about comparing ourselves.
Those of you who read my previous body image post will know that I lost a lot of weight in a very short space of time last semester (the post will be linked as a related post), and I seem to have kept it off. You might think that having lost that weight, that I might be happy with my body as it is, and would certainly not have even the vaguest desire to lose any more. That's where you'd be wrong unfortunately. After losing that weight, I began to look around me and question "is that it? Am I thin enough now?" My answer was usually a resounding no. I seem to have a sort of selective vision where I will only look at women who are slimmer than me as a source of comparison. In doing so, things can become very miserable. I start wondering whether they're looking at me and judging my size as too large despite the fact I know that they're probably doing nothing of the sort.
The crazy thing is, I know that all of the young women I have been looking at (or rather, agonising over) are a completely different body type to myself. They generally have more of a 20s flapper girl build with slim hips and small chests whereas I definitely fall into the 50s category. I also know that I have always been of a more solid, muscular build than others ever since I was a child and when I compare my fingers and collar bones to those of others (usually a good indicator of frame), mine are generally much thicker, therefore there is no way I could ever be the same shape as those women. But this doesn't just stop at smaller women, I also look at women who are that bit larger than me and think "doesn't she wear her clothes well." or "the way she carries her body is lovely." but I can't see anything desirable in myself. So, it's kind of getting to the point where I feel self conscious eating anything (although I am hungry a lot), or even just walking because I am constantly paranoid that people will be looking at me thinking that I'm not thin enough.
But what is "thin enough"? The truth is, it doesn't exist. I'm thinking to myself that "thin enough" would be me if I lost some weight. But I did just that and I'm having exactly the same feelings as I did when I was 1 or 2 dress sizes larger. I should also mention that pictures get taken of me and I sometimes get an initial surprise that I don't look overweight, and that I look slimmer than I had imagined myself to look. This is great I guess, but it doesn't last. That lovely 10 minutes of "I look quite good in that" generally fades into hours of me staring at pictures of myself, sometimes pictures of myself that I've uploaded to Instagram, scrutinising every last detail - do my legs look too stocky, is there too much of a crease at my elbow, could my muscles and bones be that bit more defined? It's relentless, and it's exhausting.
I would imagine that I'm not alone in this constant comparisons ritual so what would I tell someone else feeling the same? I think it's important to remember that when we look at faces, we accept that all faces are unique to the individual. Because our bodies are covered by clothes most of the time, we tend to fantasise that bodies are somehow not unique. Like faces, each body is different so it would be silly to want to look identical to someone else. If you succeed with this attitude, please teach me your ways! But if you feel as I do, take comfort in the knowledge that you're not alone.
Feel free to like down below or share around if this helped.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
