Let's Have a Chat About Food Anxiety
Hello!
This one is kind of a downer so I'll do my best to make it lighthearted (mostly to hide my nervousness about sharing this!) so here we go.
Some of you might know from knowing me for a long time (but if you just know me because you read this, you probably wouldn't know) that I've had struggles with eating in the past. I wouldn't say I had a full blown eating disorder because I definitely don't think I did, but I definitely could have headed that way had my parents not had strict house rules about eating as a family (cheers Mum!). When I was about 16 or 17, I was dating a boy who hadn't really matured and thought that women could just magically morph into a supermodel body shape (spoiler alert: that's not how life works) and he would say things like "I fancy you more when you're thinner" after I had lost weight, or "I like the way your ribs show", or run his fingers along my spine or my ribcage like a xylophone. Side note: don't do this to your girlfriend please, lads (or lasses). I think this was his way of supporting my mad obsession with losing weight but he hadn't quite grasped that what he was saying was pretty damaging. I know he didn't mean it maliciously though so I'm not using this as a way of hating on him on the internet. I was also doing elite rowing and had kind of got into the mindset that being thinner would make me faster. Of course, it didn't, I just began to collapse at training because I refused to eat when I wasn't at home. At it's worst, I would be going 12 to 13 hours without eating, and when you're doing a high intensity sport, that just isn't a great way to be.
I developed a condition where I fainted a lot on the back of this (I'll speak about it another time) and it really cleaned up my unhealthy eating habits. Sure, I still felt horribly guilty about food, and hated eating in front of people, but I needed to eat to stay conscious (literally no fluffy way of saying that!). By the time I got to uni, I feel like I had a reasonably good relationship with food. Even when I went through all that weight change, I still ate without feeling guilty and everything was pretty good, until now.
I just want to emphasise here that I'm not trying to lose weight or anything, and I haven't stopped eating, nor am I eating any less (if anything, I'm eating more!) it's just that the guilt surrounding food has come back. Whenever I eat anything in front of people, I feel guilty or anxious that they'll be judging me for eating, or think I'm fat. In my flat, I'll only eat in my room. And I've kind of made out to my flatmates that it's because I want to chill in the evening, but it's not. It's because I just want to hide. It really doesn't help that I live with vegans and I'm not a vegan, nor do I plan on becoming one for reasons I don't want to discuss. I have absolutely no issue with veganism and I think it's great that they've found a lifestyle that works for them however whenever I cook, they innocently ask me what I'm making or say that it smells good but I can't take it as a compliment on my cooking because I know that what I'm making is completely against their principles... so then I feel more guilty. It's kind of got to the point that although I enjoy the food I make, I have to psyche myself up to cook, or persuade myself to eat at my usual times. I can only eat comfortably in my room now. I guess I kind of realised this when I got pizza with one of my flatmates the other day and she suggested that we eat it in the living room. I agreed, I mean, we were both eating pizza right? I didn't want to admit that there was a real battle going on in my head about whether I could stand eating a big meal in front of people.
It's weird writing this down because if people ask me about it, I literally can't bear to go into details. It's ridiculous and I know it is. Everyone has to eat and no-one is going to judge me for eating but deep down I don't believe that about myself. I don't have any magical words of wisdom because I don't know how to cope with it right now. I guess if I'm cooking near you, just don't ask what it is I'm making, or explain why it's different to what you eat because it's really not helpful.
I'm sorry if this was actually a downer but I hope that it somehow helped anyone who also feels like this. It's shit, and I'm sorry if you feel this way too.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
