Reflections
Hello!
So, it's been a little while but I am not going to apologise because I deliberately took some time off so I could take a breath and try and wind down a little from the end of second year. That being said, that week certainly allowed me to reflect on the last academic year.
Broadly speaking, second year was a complete shitshow and I think I should partly be thankful that I got through without failing any classes, breaking up with my boyfriend, running away, or winding up in hospital. On the flip side I learned a lot, I made new friends, and I toughened up. However bad things get, there's always a silver lining.
So, lets go through some things I learnt and maybe you guys can learn some things with me. All the pictures in this blog are from this year in pretty much chronological order.
The first picture is of my second year room so I guess we could start there. The flat... Oh dear Lord, the flat. It was dark, cavernous, mouldy, falling apart, mice infested on occasion, and all round grim. "But isn't that the whole point of being a student?" I hear those of you who've been to uni say. Not if it messes around with your happiness, it's not. I'll be honest, I hated living there, I dreaded going back every single time and I will not miss it.
Lesson 1 therefore is to make sure you know where you're moving into. Have a good look at it first and make sure you're happy with it. Don't do what I did and just say yes out of fear that I wouldn't get anywhere else. This year took a lot longer to get a flat but at least I know I like it!
Next, let's talk about societies. At the start of the year I did a load of music auditions and frankly, got into too many things. I got into Renaissance choir and you guys know that I loved that to bits and I still do. The other auditioned thing was Edinburgh Studio Opera. And that, I absolutely hated. I hated the way it was run, I hated the way it made me feel, and I hated that I felt like an outsider for the entire time I was there. As you probably know, I left ESO a couple of months before the show went on stage and it was one of the best decisions of my life.
It doesn't sound that huge when I say I left ESO but the thing is, I had never given up anything like that before and it wasn't a decision I took lightly. If you don't get what it's like to do a production or musical piece, if you've never been a part of that world, let me try and explain. When you agree to do a show, you commit to a rehearsal process, to a part, to a performance to a paying audience. You agree to deliver. If you leave halfway through, you make the lives of the people putting on the show difficult to an extent. There's no two ways about it, the arts are not a quitters game. That had been drummed into me from the age that I began performing properly (8 if you're interested).
What I hadn't learnt is that putting your health at serious risk does more damage to a show than leaving. It's not fair on you, it's not fair on your team. I had let myself get to the point where I wasn't sleeping, I threw up what I ate, I took prescription drugs to get through rehearsals because I was frightened that I wasn't delivering and frightened that people would see. I would phone my boyfriend on the way to rehearsal and on the way back. I'd get home and cry after nearly every one, and I began to collapse in rehearsal. I was keeping it all hidden because I felt like it had to be my secret. I couldn't let them see that I was too weak to perform (Not true, but it was how I saw myself). When I got home for Christmas, my anxiety began to spiral out of control because I couldn't bear the thought of having to go back. It took someone advising me that I was actually headed for the hospital, not the stage to leave it all. I learnt that actually, I am not a machine, other people are not in control of me and I can't let them control me. University societies are designed to be fun and voluntary. Remember that and don't make the mistakes that I did.
Next, friends. I lost some tight friends this year and I'm not going to lie, it sucked. Now, for a long time I sat there wondering what was wrong with me, what had I done wrong and what did I need to change. The answer to all of the above: nothing. I've learnt the hard way that friends will come and go, fade in and out, and sometimes, be downright arseholes. That's how life works for everyone, I am no different, neither are you. The real ones, the ones you have to hold onto and cherish in your life are the ones that stick with you through good and bad, who forgive for your mistakes and give you a good schooling when you're being revolting! I have some of those too so life isn't going badly. Remember those people and thank them because chances are you don't thank them enough. So, thank you. You know who you are.
In the same way, I've also learnt that it's important to forgive people for making genuine mistakes. People are human and they make mistakes. No friend of yours is going to be perfect and no relationship you have is going to be easy all the time. It's important to recognise that and especially if you have anxiety like I do, to recognise that it's not always your fault if things go wrong or people lose touch. University is tough. You probably won't stay friends with the ones you met in Freshers week but you will make proper friends further down the line.
I think I should also talk about academic stuff too. When things are going well, I'm a pretty high flyer! In first semester, I had firsts coming out of my ears and I felt like everything was on track academically. Second semester not so much. I did well the first half and then struggled when all the classes stopped. I mean, I am aware that the strike was for a good cause and thank goodness I've done enough to go straight through to honours level but I won't ignore the fact that it really didn't help. But, I did learn from that that sometimes things happen that are beyond your control and that that's ok and can be dealt with.
In the same way, I've learnt to ask for help more this year. It's not weak to ask for an extension if you need one. It does not mean that you can't stick to a deadline however much other people might tell you that it does. It doesn't mean you're failing. A lot of the time, you'll get 2 big assignments at once and you can't feasibly do them justice in the time so you get an extension on one of them and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm glad I learnt that this year because at the end of first year, I felt genuinely smug that I hadn't needed any extensions. I had 2 this year and I needed those two. And that's ok.
Finally, it's good for you to take a break. A lot of us try to work all of the time. We try to kid ourselves on that we don't need to wind down in the evening or that it would make us fail to take a day off and it really won't. I wish Joe would read this bit but he probably won't! We all need time to unwind. We're not machines. I took a week off to go on tour with choir to Greece a couple of weeks before exams. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. It was just what I needed. And I think everyone should just take a week when it seems like totally the wrong time because it will honestly clear your head and recharge your focus. Hence taking a week off blogging. Sorry for any inconvenience! (But hey, you still had 51 posts to read instead!)
I think that's it for now. Second year is over, I have a new flat with windows, and I'm very scared about my degree starting to count but hey, I'm still here and I still have people around me so life's pretty good really.
I hope this helped. Do keep sharing/messaging/liking/whatever, it does mean a lot! And good luck if you've still got exams!
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
