Another Chat About Male Mental Health
*First of all, a little bit of admin. I'm sorry that I haven't been around as much lately - things have been going on that I will touch on today but I am intending to be back on two posts a week from now on. If things are going to be irregular, I generally update my instagram @allinyourheadblog so if you'd like to be more in the loop, follow me on there! Also, I'm so sorry that some of you have been having problems with your emails. I would suggest resubscribing and seeing what happens? And if you're not already subscribed, I'd love to have you on board! Now, let's get on with the post!*
Hello!
Did you know that suicide is the biggest killer of young men in the UK? This says to me that our men are struggling and that we probably all know men that are struggling personally and we may not even realise. I know that it could take a while but there is one thing I'm certain of and it's that this has got to change.
I'd been thinking about writing this post for a while but I finally decided to do it on Friday. I was actually at a funeral for my stepdad's brother. I found myself watching how the men expressed their emotions in comparison to the women and my overwhelming observation was that the men were desperately trying not to cry, to not let anything show whereas the women let their tears fall with minimal shame. Now, there's no way that the men were grieving any less or feeling any less pain than the women, not at all. It's just that society has conditioned them to repress visible emotions for the sake of some toxic view of masculinity. We are not allowing our men to feel and it is quite literally killing them. And I'm saying now that enough is enough.
After Friday, I got thinking: Am I doing enough for the men in my life? Could I be doing more? I reckon I definitely could and more to the point, I should be doing more. And so should we all. I also started to wonder whether any of the men in my life could be at risk of being tipped over the edge. The answer: absolutely. I've got friends who are acutely self conscious about their appearance because they may not fit into our warped archetypal "attractive man" box. In fact, I had a friend who gave himself kidney failure from overexertion and too many protein shakes when he was 15. I've had friends who self harm, who've turned to drink or drugs... one that phoned me from a bridge - thank goodness he didn't jump. I know unhappy musicians with incredible talent, phenomenal single dads that don't realise what a great job they're doing, and truly fabulous but painfully insecure gay men. I am friends with a great number of men and they're all amazing and beautiful but quite often, nobody tells them that they are.
So let me ask something. How many times do we tell the men in our lives that they're attractive, competent, or worthwhile? In truth, not enough. I mean, we often joke about how men have no clue about how to dress, or look after themselves, or look after children but what we don't see is the damage that those kinds of jokes can have. I'm guilty of it too. I know that I've seen my boyfriend dressed for a date and have criticised something about his appearance. But the thing is, he'd never dream of doing the same to me. We've accepted that it's wrong to tear down women on their appearance so why do we do it to men? The fact of the matter is that we shouldn't tear down anyone on their appearance, regardless of which gender they associate themselves with.
Next question: How often do we actually say to the men in our lives what they mean to us or how much we love them? Again, not often enough. British culture in general has made us a bit embarrassed to say how we feel, especially with men and I think that's bullshit. Everyone deserves to feel loved and like they matter. I mean, it's getting to the point where it's a life death situation. So, let's start here. To anyone reading this, especially if you are a man who knows me personally, from the bottom of my heart, you matter to me. Now, if you ever feel like you don't matter, you know one person that cares. And believe me, there's going to be more than one. Please don't give up.
Finally, how often do we ask the men we know how they're really feeling? I don't mean the bog standard "Alright mate, how are you?" but "How are you really doing? I'm listening." I guarantee that the answers will be different. Part of the reason why men's mental health is so problematic is that they feel like they have to bottle up everything inside. Actually talking about things and working them through could save so many lives. So again, if you're reading this, even if you don't know me so well, if you need to talk, I'm listening.
All it takes is starting that conversation. So, tell your dads, brothers, uncles, sons, friends, husbands, boyfriends, guys you meet at the bus stop... that they matter and they deserve love. Because you do. Any man reading this matters and deserves to be loved. In fact any person reading this matters and deserves love. And if you are struggling, don't suffer in silence, please please talk to someone.
If you feel you can't to someone you know, do check out these helplines:
Samaritans – for everyone Call 116 123 Email jo@samaritans.org
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day (These guys also have a web chat page)
Papyrus – for people under 35 Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm Text 07786 209697 Email pat@papyrus-uk.org
Childline – for children and young people under 19 Call 0800 1111 – the number won't show up on your phone bill
The Silver Line – for older people Call 0800 4 70 80 90
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
