Panic.
Hello!
Normally, I have some kind of structured topic to write about but to be honest, I don't today. I'm just going to write about what's going on inside my head if that's ok. I know I shouldn't worry about what people actually want to read because you did literally sign up for this but still.
You'd think, having had anxiety for the past 20 years that it wouldn't come as a surprise to go through periods of feeling more anxious than normal but it does. It still does. And it makes me so angry with myself because I come on here and I try and write about my experiences to help people but I don't know what I'm doing. And a lot of the time I can just write in the wise tone of voice and pretend that I'm totally on top of everything but I am so not. I really don't want you to read my blog and think jeez, I wish I could be as together as her because it's not reality.
Right now, I'm struggling to get through anything. I mean, I'm doing it all but I'm having to talk myself through the simplest tasks because I just feel like I can't do things. Even in comfortable situations. For example, Joe and I went on a date on Friday so we went for a meal and then to our usual bar and I felt like I just ruined it by being anxious. I was relatively ok during the meal but then as soon as we moved on, I could feel the backs of my thighs sweating, my heart was racing and I just wanted to run away. And it's so stupid. I've been to that bar more times than I care to admit! I know the staff, they know me, and it's usually just a chill night. I found myself chewing my nails, constantly seeking reassurance from Joe that everything was fine, and really forcing myself to joke with the staff as I usually would - hoping they wouldn't notice the slightly shrill edge to my laughter. I was giving myself little pep talks every time I went to the loo, counting to ten, deep breaths etc etc. I mean, it was ok, I got through it but I was so upset with myself for being so ridiculous.
On Saturday I was doing a bit of bartending as a favour and I completely freaked out before I started thinking there was no way I could possibly do it. Come on, Sarah, it's just putting liquid into cups. It's not hard. Of course, I did it and I was fine but I was fighting panic all the way through. I was so hard on myself and I know that. Every time I was held up because I couldn't find a particular bottle, I got more stressed with myself despite the fact I knew that the punters were drunk and had not a clue what was going on in regards to time.
I find myself wanting to cry when I can't escape things right now. Not really great timing as I'm currently doing jury service which requires hours of being trapped in one room. I just... it's a battle. And I know it will pass and I probably won't feel like this next week but right now, it's tough.
I think that's all I wanted to say and I'm sorry for whinging.
As always, feel free to like/share/message.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
