Permission To Just Be
Hello!
Usually I'd apologise for the timing of this post but perhaps it's time to stop doing that. I aim for twice a week and I suppose it really doesn't matter what day posts fall on. And this is meant to be a place to put thoughts and I can't force myself to have notable thoughts on certain days!
We all play different roles in life. For example, I am a daughter, granddaughter, niece, sister, aunt, girlfriend, friend, work colleague... and me. Each role I play has a slightly different spin on it with more or less elements of myself thrown in depending. And even though I can be myself a lot of the time in these roles, there's another chunk of time where I feel like I'm playacting in all of them. It's at these times that I've learnt that it's vital for me to take myself away from everything and just be... It's kind of what I'm doing today. Right now, I'm sat in Joe's office watching the rain, a candle burning next to me and just floating to Indian flute music. Obviously I'm writing too but I don't have to pretend when I do that. Now many of my friends would ask me what's wrong if they saw me doing this because really, it's a side I don't show.
It's kind of got me thinking about the final episode of the second season of 'The Crown' where Elizabeth has escaped to Balmoral without telling very many people and is pruning roses. Phillip tells her that she's acting decidedly out of character and she just says "On the contrary, this is the most myself I've been in years." And I think that these moments of true self are essential in anybody's life.
I think right now I'm needing these moments more because at work I have to be competent, vibrant, energised, professional, approachable, and fun all at once. And of course there is that side to me but to be all of those things 5 days a week is exhausting. To be with people all that time is challenging and when it gets to the weekend, quite often I just want to escape to a remote cave and stay there indefinitely! Of course, that gets a bit difficult when there are family things to attend to and events to go to. This is where the anxiety comes in but I've found that scheduling in just an hour of being completely alone means that social occasions become far easier. I didn't really give myself time to do that this week so here I am at long last.
And I suppose that yesterday triggered this realisation that these little moments of recharge are important. It was Joe's parents' birthday (yes, on the same day) so we spent quite a lot of the day with them. But they don't really do birthdays in the same way as I have always done them. There was no real celebration of it, it was just another day. Joe gently stopped me from making a cake or doing anything special and I'm not going to lie, I was internally furious but you can't make people want to do things in the same way that you personally would do them. But I must admit, it's a little bit difficult to play the usual girlfriend role with your boyfriend, the perfect girlfriend role for his parents, and the understanding role of "I get that birthdays aren't really a thing here" when in actuality you're totally exhausted from social situations of the the week before and the quiet cake free birthday celebrating is completely unnatural to you. It was at this point that I realised that I needed to stop, breathe, and take time for me. I mean, the only reason I was getting so cross is because I didn't feel as comfortable being social as I had perhaps two days previously.
And really, it's so nice to just not have to talk or answer any questions because I must admit that I've always hated questions. I should add that this is being said in good humour because I am well aware that my tendency to clam up when being asked things is a personality flaw and an extremely hypocritical one because I am one for asking lots of questions. Therefore, people are simultaneously fascinating and infuriating in my mind.
So I think that's it. Welcome to my headspace and remember to make room for your own headspace too.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
