Just Talking
Hello!
So it’s been a while. I feel like I say that at the start of every blog just now. So what’s gone on since we last spoke? Two words: emotional rollercoaster. This time I couldn’t quite decide how I was feeling so I didn’t write. This doesn’t mean I was short of ideas, just that none of them seemed to fit for long enough to warrant a full post. So I decided that I’d just talk you through it all and just get it all out in one go rather than giving them all a separate post.
One of my main ideas was feeling like I was living a double life between work life and home life. This seemed like a solid post as I know a lot of people who feel like they are a completely different person at work. To be honest, I don’t even know where my customer service person comes from. At work being professional, capable, and polite even when people are rude seems easy. Nothing fazes me and I can come across as fun and confident. At home, I feel like I can’t do any of that - just picking up the phone feels impossible and my old sensitivity comes back. So why didn’t I write a full post on this? I think I was frightened of all my coworkers reading it (highly unlikely but still) and I don’t feel like this all the time so it felt like a bit of a lie I guess.
One day I was completely up for writing a completely self hatred fuelled post trying to convince you that I’m a terrible person. And I am struggling with self hate a lot right now. I try and paint a picture of myself as this wonderfully kind, giving person. But I’m not a great person all the time. I am so flawed and these flaws do tend to catch up with me. I’m controlling about things to a harmful degree and it’s funny because I can see when I’m being like that and I want to be able to just let people do things their way but I’m constantly itching to change things. If I’m honest, there’s a part of me that craves attention. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I need attention all the time but I’d be lying if I said that craving wasn’t there. I can also be impatient. I mean, these are just three flaws but there are so many more and it gets to the point where I sit there and wonder why anyone bothers talking to me at all. And yeah, I feel like this a lot so a full post could absolutely be written but it’s just a tad self indulgent don’t you think?
Then I thought I could write about feeling unusually stressed and feeling like I’m losing my grip on reality. You may not know that I have very vivid dreams but recently they've been scarily real and it’s become difficult to separate what’s actually happened, and what’s just in my head. I guess I can say now that I reckon that this feeling of being out of control was foreshadowing the migraine I had this week as that’s kind of what happened last time I got a migraine. Still, when your dreams involve in-depth conversations with your coworkers that could absolutely have happened, it gets frightening. I mean I understand now why I chose not to say anything about that because you might well all think that I’m mad now and it does certainly feel that way just now but there you are.
And then I could write about getting a migraine and it being an indication of letting things get on top but maybe that’s what this post is, I don’t know! Although migraines run in the family and I guess this just means that I’ve developed the family headache - cheers, guys! But as you can see, things have rather got on top. And it’s all in addition to yet another fight with my dad, people getting involved in my relationship, Joe and I having separate issues, and the fear of going back to uni - but that’s a separate post!
So as you can see, my head’s been rather busy, even if my blog hasn’t! It’s quite nice to get it all down. Though I must mention, my hands are seizing up because I’m on the coldest train ever, like seriously, any colder and I’d see my breath! And I also want to give a shout out to Costa mango and passion fruit coolers, though they really should look into alternative straws… though now is not the time for an environmental rant.
Anyway, I’m going to wrap up now. Thanks for reading and thank you to my regulars for being so patient with me. And I do encourage people to follow me on Instagram if they ever want to know what’s going on with the blog. Have a lovely weekend, and I’ll speak to you sooner than last time!
Lots of love,
Sarah xxx
