Body Image Part 3: Body Dysmorphia and the Gym
Hello!
First of all, I want to say thank you for all of the support on last week's post. The number of hits was truly unbelievable and I guess that's partly an indication of our British love of disaster but I'm hoping it's also from a place of love.
One of the ways I've been trying to cope with everything is to aim to go to the gym twice a week. This is to positively work out all of those negative emotions and maybe get a little bit fitter as well. I'm deliberately not trying to lose weight. But this is hard as I've struggled with body dysmorphia for a long time and I think that now is the time to talk about it.
It all started in high school. I am naturally a little stocky with a more solid build than others. At school I was surrounded by very slim girls and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was grossly different. I was also bullied all the way through to the point that I really turned against my body. My earliest memory of this was in about year 7 or 8 (so around 12 or 13); there were two Sarahs in our year - I was one and the other was a very talented sprinter with a really beautifully toned, tanned, lean body and she was known as "Hot Sarah" and I was known as "Ugly Sarah". Now, I was told jovially that it was "just a bit of banter" but I really internalised those names and even though I'm at university now, I still think of her as "Hot Sarah" and myself as "Ugly Sarah". Looking back, they probably did it as a cruel way of categorising our interests. She was very sporty and had a lot of friends whereas I was far more reserved, intellectual, and musical - not quite so cool!
I was also called fat more times than I can remember, to the point where it almost became like an identity. I've looked at pictures and I know now that I wasn't fat at all. Curvy and strong perhaps but not fat. But still I believed those names and if I'm being totally honest, I still do. So, when I got onto the rowing team at 15, I wanted to do everything in my power to prove I wasn't fat. I began a pattern of disordered eating - often refusing to eat unless I was at home, replacing lunch with a bottle of diet coke and working out as hard as I could at training. By 17, not eating became part of my school identity and I was dropping weight fairly rapidly but I was still considered fat. I probably always will be considered fat by those people because that is the identity they gave me, regardless of whether it's true. And I would often come home, look at myself in the mirror and cry because I wasn't as thin as those around me. But I was clever, I was talented at music, and I was set for success at rowing but none of it mattered to me as long as my ribs showed. And I thought that if I was thin enough, people would want to be friends with me or treat me as if I was worth knowing but of course they never did and they never would. It was fashionable to avoid me and I wish I had seen that then that it didn't matter how thin I was, or kind, or funny, or talented. None of that was going to matter because I bloody well know that I'm intelligent, and kind, and witty now but once you are given an identity at school, it is very hard to shake it off. And I also had a problem because I never let it show that it bothered me and my God, it did. I couldn't bear it at times but I got through it by turning nonchalance into an art form. And if you're at school going through the same thing, I am so sorry, I wouldn't wish it on anyone but for goodness sake, tell someone it's happening. Don't drive yourself into an eating issue like I did.
Once I got to university, things got so much better. I actually had boys telling me they thought I was attractive which I thought was absolutely off the chain! I made friends easily and no-one told me I was fat, no-one chastised me for being clever, and no-one made me feel like a bad smell. I grew stronger, I stopped putting up with toxic people, and I gained a bit of confidence.
But those demons are still there. I still look in the mirror and think goodness me, what a blob. I still worry about my ribs showing or my legs jiggling. And it's very hard at the moment not to slip into old habits, especially once I'm inside the gym. When I'm there, I see so many beautifully toned bodies. And in a lot of ways it does feel a bit like school except there are lots of "Hot Sarahs" and I feel very much like the ugly odd one out. But I would imagine that everyone else is feeling the same way. The ones that know exactly what they're doing in the gym have been doing it for a long time whereas I am still on my first few sessions. And I really am trying to focus on what my body can do rather than what I would like it to do. I'm not punishing my body this time, I am using it. And you never know, I might just become a "Hot Sarah", but I'm not holding my breath! And if I'm totally honest, I know the "Hot Sarahs" of this world probably feel exactly the same way as I do a lot of the time.
So, onwards and upwards with the gym, but not to lose weight. I'll update you all on how it's going a few months down the line but for now, I'm pretty happy just giving it a go!
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
