Let's Talk About Sex With Anxiety
Hello!
I was in two minds about what to write today because I've just been feeling a bit low of late and struggling to stay positive about everything but I can write about that another time. Instead, I'm going to get up close and personal and talk about something that I've meant to write about for over a year but have been too frightened to go through with it. But at last, here we are!
But before I go any further, I'm just going to introduce my fantastic partner and show a little appreciation. He is aware of everything I'm going to write in this post and is incredibly supportive. I just didn't want any of you thinking that my partner was rubbish just because I feel like this. So, shout out to Joe!
It's kind of difficult to know where to start on this one but I know I want to write about it because I want to let people that feel the same way as me know that they aren't alone. I do enjoy sex, which feels like a bit of a controversial thing to say oddly but I do. But at the same time, I get hugely anxious about it. There are some days when I think about it and feel physically sick and shaky. But when those feelings are at their worst, I find they're coupled with intense feelings of guilt. It feels like I'm insulting my partner, like my brain is determined to hurt him but at the same time I can't bear him to touch me.
Sometimes I've wondered if it's just pre-match nerves because there are occasions when sex is unexpected and I'm fine. And it is more common for me to feel anxious about it when it's expected. I'll find myself in a fine sheen of sweat, cold clammy hands, and shallow breaths and I can't even explain why. It's just a feeling of dread. I used to get like this with previous partners as well so it's definitely not Joe. It could potentially have started with my first serious relationship as our sex life was very unhealthy and I've written about that before so it definitely could be that but it seems to go up and down at random. And it's definitely got a lot worse since Nanny died. But I suppose that's not surprising as my emotions are a bit haywire at the moment. But I guess my point is that I'm not sure what my specific triggers are.
It's not just the act itself either, it's the idea of it. Being involved in a conversation of people talking about their sex lives feels incredibly isolating and quite often I feel like I'm not normal. I haven't had very many sexual partners and that's something I've been gently teased about in the past and I've joked that it's not for want of trying. But that's not true... I distinctly remember being single and running away from men once casual sex was suggested after making out with them in the club. And it was purely because I got this sick feeling in my tummy at the thought of someone touching me.. or seeing me... And I've never told anyone that before, just listened to their sexual escapades and thought there was something wrong with me because sex isn't casual for me; it's not just a bit of fun. And I think people can be very spiteful without meaning to be when talking about sex. I'm not a prude, I'm not ashamed by sex, and I don't think it's dirty or wrong. I've always been vocal about my beliefs that couples should be able to have a fulfilling sex life at any age and I have never felt repulsed at the idea of elderly couples having sex - in fact, if you're still able to have that connection into your 80s then I think that's lovely! But I can't seem to shake off the chains that I've bound myself in, which is a really upsetting and lonely place to be. I mean, how can you tell your partner that the idea of them touching you makes you feel physically sick with no warning without hurting them? How can you tell someone that looking at your naked body in the mirror makes you want to tear chunks of flesh off yourself with your bare hands? How can you explain that I'll be enjoying it completely until about half way through and then feel choked? How do you explain that it's not all the time and that I can have a few months with no problems?
I have a nasty relationship with my body and I don't think I've ever felt sexy or attractive. That certainly doesn't help. And it's certainly not a turn on for your partner when you're worrying about your cellulite in the throws of passion (always thought that was a bizarre phrase).
Sex is a complicated thing. And I think we don't teach our children enough about the emotional labour that goes along with it. There's no normal and no-one should ever make you feel like you must do something you're uncomfortable with. I am lucky to have a partner that is gentle and understanding at all times with me and I really hope that everyone reading this finds that person for them.
I think that's all I want to say just now. I would value your feedback if you have any but if not, thanks for reading,
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
