Nightmares
Hello!
So today I wanted to talk about having nightmares. I'm finding this blog a touch difficult to start because it feels very childish to admit you're having a series of bad dreams as an adult, but I am. I've always struggled with the odd bad dream but since Nanny's death, it's been particularly bad.
At first it was quite tame, I'd have constant dreams that I'd forget the words to the song I sang at her funeral, I'd miss my train and would miss it, I'd forget my dress and be forced to wear jeans, I'd fall over... all easily interpreted as understandable pre match nerves for the funeral. When it came down to it, the only thing that went wrong was me exiting through the entrance into the next funeral party (oops) but they didn't seem to care.
But in the past few weeks, the dreams have become upsetting, disturbing, and downright terrifying. I'll wake in a sweat, struggling to breathe, wanting to cry out but instead will be left lying looking at the ceiling in the darkness, mouth open in a silent scream. I'll dream about a girl I went to school with called Grace who's currently battling cancer with beautiful strength and I guess I'm dreaming about her because I read her blog about her journey and she's often in my thoughts. But in the dreams it's twisted, I have to cure her, or she'll miss her chemotherapy appointment because of something I've done, or I have to fill her therapy bath from Edinburgh or she won't make it. And these are ridiculous because we weren't really friends at school, I'm just reading about her journey online. But they're so vivid that sometimes I'll wake up and think that I've actually killed her and will have to go on Facebook to check that she's alright. It's absurd, and my brain has no right to be forming such a morbid connection with her. But whilst we're on that subject, I'm just going to give you her blog link because I think she writes beautifully and I do hope she keeps writing. https://lumpintheroadx.blogspot.com/
Sometimes they're just a bit more bizarre. I had one the other week where I was on a beach and there was going to be a tidal wave. Only I could stop it with some kind of magical force from my hands or the population will die. Only, we're in a society that doesn't accept those gifts so I have to do it in secret or they'd kill me. Of course I was discovered so I had to run but of course I couldn't (typical, never could run)... and then I woke up.
There are the ones that are gory and surreal too where I'll wake up with the urge to vomit but I don't want to remember those.
And then there was last night. Mum was visiting Edinburgh (except it looked like an odd combination of Paris and Bristol), we had to vote in an election and I was forced to vote conservative against my beliefs. We missed 3 trains back home and in order to get to Waverley Station, we had to go over a bridge but it was about 3 kilometres high, rickety, and made of wooden slats. It was fairly steep downhill and I was wearing my Renaissance Choir concert shoes so it was slippy. We had to cross the bridge otherwise we couldn't go home but I couldn't move because it was too high and I was starting to panic. But as soon as I crouched, things started falling out my mum's bag and I had to rescue them - shoes, makeup brushes, and almost her phone. It was accepted as my fault because I'd lost control and crouched in panic but I couldn't stand... And then I woke up and discovered that I wasn't just hyperventilating in my dream, I'd actually been panicking in my sleep.
You probably think I'm going mad, I know I certainly do. And I'm so tired, all the time. And I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'll be in a normal situation like choir or in the living room in my flat and I'll just get the urge to scream. This has been an emotional one to write but I'm glad I've finally said something.
Thanks for the feedback, as always, it really is valued.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
