I am a Hypocrite

Hello!

I run an entire blog based on being positive about your mental illness and taking care of yourself. I tell people to practice self love every day, I tell them to value their achievements and to feel proud, I tell them that one misjudged act does not make them a terrible person, I tell them they're beautiful even though they think they aren't, and I tell them that if they spoke to their best friend in the way they speak to themselves, they would be considered the most horrible, vindictive person. I tell people to do all of those things all the time. But if I'm going to be 100% transparent, I don't have any right to because I absolutely hate myself.

I don't think I've ever written that down before. I actually try and con myself that I don't hate myself but then all it takes if for somebody else to say something negative, something that's already in my head for me to think yep, you're right, I am that thing you just called me and I bloody hate myself for it. I suppose there is a plus side because I don't want to be all the horrible things I call myself. If someone says you know what, you're horrible and you've upset me, I'll always agree with them and try to make it right because how on earth can I say but I'm not a horrible person when deep down I think that I am.

I find myself annoying, I feel incompetent and inadequate most of the time, I am controlling, I can be incredibly unkind at times and I complain. I'm complaining right now and if I say oh it's not for attention, you're going to think that it is.

Taking a breath, things are hard right now and I don't 100% all of the time feel this low but right now I do. So I guess I want to apologise for being a hypocrite because I don't feel I have the right to tell you guys to be positive about your mental health and to love yourself because there are days, weeks, and months when it's absolutely fucking heinous. There are nights like the one I had last night where you'll sob into your pillow until 3am. There are mornings like this morning where you'll open your eyes and think no, I can't do this. And there will be days like today where you'll just sit and cry and agonise over every negative text message that has ever been sent to you in the last three years - please don't do this, I've done it now so you don't have to and it's total self torture, wouldn't recommend.

I took down my last post because of some upset it caused and whilst I don't want to talk about that, I do want to say what I said about my friends again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being kind to me and for saying that I'm not horrible and that you are there for me. Each of you is so special to me and I don't think I say that enough. Much love.

I hope things improve soon but for now at least, bear with me.

Lots of Love,

Sarah xxx

Today's Track: 'Ich will' by Rammstein - fun fact, I listen to German metal when I feel sad and it makes me feel less sad