Things Are Difficult Right Now
Hello!
I decided to come on here to give you a bit of an update. Things with anxiety are really hard right now. It's funny because even when I look through my posts it seems like I have everything all figured out and that I know how to handle everything. And I don't. In fact, right now, it feels like I'm unravelling completely.
I wake up every morning in a cold sweat, struggling to breathe. In fact, it's becoming a challenge to get out of bed at all. I think of all the work I have to do for uni; planning choir tour; the endless stream of messages and emails coming from choir either asking me to do things, asking me how to do things, or arguing with me about my responses; the fact I haven't seen Joe for over a month; and the sense of impending doom that is finishing third year and beginning fourth year. I think of all that and it suddenly feels as though a sumo wrestler is sitting on my chest and that I cannot possibly do it and that it will all go away if I'm in bed. Of course then I start to panic about being in bed and not working - this happens at both 7:30am and 10am, it doesn't make a difference. Then I get up and I feel a bit sick. It subsides a little once I start working but it all comes flooding back if I get a message from a classmate or choir member.
I can't quite work out what has started the panic. It could be all my deadlines, but then it could be choir tour. That starts in two weeks so we'll see if it subsides any once I'm actually on it.
It could also be my dissertation. If you're interested, it's about emotions and casual sex. No, it's not about being "slutty" if that's what you're thinking. I really can't stand that word. I'm on a mission to delve into the complexities of the casual and to ultimately find out whether casual sex really is such a "casual" experience after all. Did that make sense? Probably not. Anyway, it's not a dirty subject as some may see it but something I really care about, especially as I want to go into Counselling as my career.
See, I'm constantly jumping to defend my work as I'm always frightened someone is going to undermine what I do. Even my degree. For those of you wondering what sociology is, it's the study of people and societies. We look at why people behave in the way they do taking their socioeconomic status, their upbringing, family background, nationality, race, gender, sexuality, and mobility into account. In the most basic sense, we aim to understand people and their position within society. It's a complex subject but we are often looked down upon. And I think pages like 'Edifess' have made me embarrassed to admit what I do. And that's ridiculous because I love what I do and I know that I'm intelligent. So, there you go, please don't be horrible about other people's subjects just because you don't understand them.
I don't know where I'm going with this, basically things are rubbish right now. I'm sure they'll improve soon though.
Lot's of Love,
Sarah xxx
