What Is Going On?
Hello!
So it's been a month... I don't think there's ever been a gap that long before. To update you on the trivial, I'm now president of the Renaissance Singers, we did an amazing choir tour to Orkney and Shetland and it was one of the most special weeks of my life (something I will talk about another time), and I got a septum piercing.
Those details aside, I haven't blogged because I didn't know how to tell you that I'm in a really bad place with anxiety and a whole host of other things. This blog is apparently helpful to a lot of people and although literally no-one is putting pressure on me, I'm putting pressure on myself to make it helpful and informative. But then I thought how on earth can I do that when I'm falling apart? But you know, maybe this might help someone.
So you may know that my Dad disowned me last summer and that really hit me in October and I guess I've been in a bad place since then. At first it was grief and general upset as my Grandmother passed away in October as well and I put everything down to that. But then after Christmas, I stopped feeling that heavy feeling of grief and was left with huge waves of anxiety. And I'm finding it really hard to put words to what I feel so forgive me if this makes literally no sense.
I feel like 90% of the time, I'm walking around in a fog. That fog is pretty scary but I'm functioning. And then I'll be hit with panic and I can't breathe and I cry and I just feel like I could die in that moment. These panic attacks have been getting worse and worse since January but the last month has been pretty horrific. And I've started to realise that the fog isn't normal. I've been answering "How are you?" with "Alive." for weeks. And it has been pointed out that if the only response you can give to how are you is alive then something has to change. And it's not even just mental shit happening, my body has started to react to the angst. I've started to swell at random points during the day so some days my clothes fit and other days, they don't. It's uncomfortable and not really the most ideal thing for the anorexic inside me. And it's stupid because when the swelling dies down, I can see that I've lost weight because I haven't been eating as much but then that can disappear in a matter of hours. But don't freak out, I am going to the doctor as soon as I get back to Edinburgh because I'm very aware that that isn't normal.
And I also feel like everyone hates me all the time. And I'm not responding to messages quickly anymore because receiving them panics me as I'm constantly worried that they're negative. I can't focus particularly well on stuff. There are days when I feel like I can't get out of bed. I lie looking at the ceiling and I feel like someone is sat on me and I can't move. But then I panic because I've got so much work so I force myself to get up. I panic about everything being perfect and then beat myself up when it's not. It's quite severe to tell you the truth.
But, with a nudge from my parents, my choir friends, and my best friend (whose initial reaction to seeing me last week was "you are spiralling, my friend."), I'm looking into getting some professional counselling. A lot of my panic and issues stem from issues from my Dad. I don't want to talk about this now but my Dad's ex wife (my step mum growing up) wasn't very nice to me as a child. I'll leave it at that for now but I've never addressed it and find it incredibly difficult to talk about. I never really had a good relationship with my Dad and always thought that maybe if I was perfect at everything, if I was really good at music, or sporty, or wore makeup perfectly, or was thinner, he might want me. On the surface I know that none of that would make a difference and that none of the things that went on were my fault but internally, I can't believe that. And consequently I crucify myself to do everything perfectly and please everyone and of course I can't. It isn't possible. So I'm going to get some help to try and tackle all of those issues before they consume me. I have been suicidal before and I don't want to let that happen again. I don't want to put anyone through that again.
And this is really difficult to write down because I use humour as a defence mechanism all the time and I don't want people to worry about me but at the same time I know that that attitude is eating me up. But anyway, that's where I'm at and I'll maybe update you along the way.
In the meantime, I do appreciate it when friends ask how I am. I know that some of you might be scared to say anything but it does help if you address it. Like obviously not all the time but the occasional, "how are things today?" really does help. And I'd also ask that you be patient with me as I know I can be distant.
I'm sorry for being gloomy.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
