The Power of Giving A Shit.
Hello!
So it's been a little while but I've been pretty present on Instagram so many of you will have definitely heard from me. Today is my last full day of being a third year at Edinburgh and I go home for the summer tomorrow. I'm feeling more positive than I was. This is because I found a root cause for the sudden spiral. I don't like to point the finger so I'm going to be very vague but I found out that a person I believed to be a friend had actually been being very unkind about me behind my back which in turn caused others to be a little chilly with me. It's all come out now and a lot of it was untrue and whilst that's been very upsetting for me and very disappointing, it's made a lot of things much easier so has set me in good stead for the year. And it's a real shame because I still care about them and want the very best for them and maybe one day we can start again but I think we and certainly I definitely need some time. That's all I want to say about that.
Moving swiftly on! Today's blog isn't actually really about me but someone very special that I have only recently met but has made a big impact on me already.
This is Michael. He's the 15 year old son of a couple that I sing with in the Renaissance Choir. He suffers from a condition called Congenital Heart Disease or more specifically, Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. That means that his heart only functions through 1 ventricle rather than the usual 2. It means that his temperature regulation isn't great, he can't do strenuous activity, and it leaves him very isolated. He suffers with severe anxiety surrounding his inevitable shorter life expectancy, frustration that he's not like other 15 year olds, and to top it all, he suffers from bullying at school because he's different. I could write pages on how angry that makes me because I seethe every day over it. I was bullied at school and it probably will continue to affect me for the rest of my life so my heart really does go out to him.
Enough of the negatives, Michael is truly unlike anyone I've ever met. His mind works at 90 miles an hour at all times and you really do have to be on your toes when speaking to him because he's endlessly curious and wants to know exactly what you mean. He's eccentric, creative, and artistic. He makes comic strips which are really very funny and I think he could go somewhere with them. But aside from all that, he has an insatiable capacity for kindness, compassion, and hope that I haven't seen in anyone else.
He came with us on choir tour and quickly became my shadow. Others remarked on how I had the patience of a saint because he loves to talk. And it's sometimes difficult to keep up, especially with my perpetual tour hangover. However, on tour he was incredibly anxious following an unfortunate consultation and I could see he needed someone to listen and someone to treat him normally. I have a dark sense of humour as you probably know by now and he liked that as I wasn't afraid to joke about the limitations of a heart condition in the way that others were. And the one thing that will stay with me forever is the conversation I had with him before we got on the ferry to come home.
He was feeling a lot of travel anxiety so I asked what his favourite part of tour had been to take his mind off things. Earlier in the tour we'd visited the thinnest part of land in Britain and it had a large hill/mountain. Michael climbed it unaided. He said that was his favourite part because he did it on his own and proved that he could. This moved me more than I can say and made me realise that this kid really needs a reason to keep going. At this point he'd said he didn't want a heart transplant so then the 'Big Plan' was hatched.
I found out his address from his sister and I wrote a letter to him basically saying that whilst his life might not be a particularly long one, it doesn't mean it can't be full. I was later told that he'd shown it to everyone he knew and quotes me around the house! So I decided that I'd keep writing because if one letter could produce such a positive response then imagine what a lot of letters could do. His latest said that he'd like that because he doesn't have anyone at school so it's nice to have someone to talk to. And that made me cry because it's so fucking unfair. But it also made me realise that I can make a difference.
So what's the 'Big Plan' you may ask? Well, I have decided to swim the 'Great North Swim' next June in Lake Windermere. It's 10km, an Olympic swimmers' marathon and I'll be raising money for 'Little Hearts Matter' which is the charity for people like Michael, with one ventricle hearts. He said he's very proud and his Mum and Dad have said they'll come to watch. And it's daunting but I somehow feel I need to do this. Things are shit for him right now but if I can help in any way and perhaps give him a reason to say yes to a transplant in the future then it'll be such a privilege. It's already a privilege. And if I'm being honest and just a tiny bit selfish, I'd like to have deep chats about the intricacies of Harry Potter and the worst ice cream I've ever tasted for as long as possible.
And it's not just about helping him, in his own way, he's helping me. Because I had no idea that just by giving a shit about someone and their emotional well being, I could give hope and positivity in their lives. To have his parents hug me and say thank you, you have no idea how much you've done is mind-blowing because I haven't actually done much other than writing a few words and posting it. And it has made me feel like I'm not such a shit person because a lot of the time I hate myself and think I'm pretty awful but now, in the worst moments of self loathing, I have two letters that tell me I'm not. And apparently he thinks I'm really cool. Best not to tell him the truth on that one, my ego can't handle it! And it's helping my own mental health. So actually, I'd recommend giving a shit about people because it's so special to have that bond and be able to be a bit of a guide.
So, wish me luck on my mad swim, I will definitely be moaning about it on here! And thank you so much for reading, and following, and supporting. And if you see bullying happening, fucking say something about it!
Also, to Michael if you read this, I'm sorry for swearing, feel free to continue to tell me off about it!
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
