Diaries of a Drama Queen

Hello!

I hope you’re all surviving the heat-wave and staying hydrated!

Today I wanted to talk about the language we use when we talk about mental health and more importantly, the language we use when someone opens up to us about their own mental health because I really do believe that being mindful of our language can make all the difference.

You’ll notice that I featured the term “Drama Queen” in the title of this post. As you know by now, I have severe anxiety. I suffered with anorexia, and as I’m embarking on my journey through therapy, we’ve discovered some PTSD from childhood. So there’s quite a lot going on in my brain that can cause panic attacks, worry, and distress. Because of this, I have been called a Drama Queen by ignorant people most of my life. In our school yearbook, my peers were kind enough to give me the titles of ‘Biggest Drama Queen’ as well as ‘Biggest Diva’. And I thought that 3 years on, it was perhaps time to talk about how that felt.

So I was given these names at the age of 18. I had rather severe pseudo syncope (I’ll link my post on that if you don’t know what it is, but basically I was collapsing all the time) as a bi-product of my eating disorder. I was having to learn to eat again to try and stop me collapsing which was difficult as it meant that I had to put on weight and I couldn’t tell anyone how terrifying that was. I had gone through my first big breakup, which as you can imagine, was less than fun. My anxiety was getting worse and I’d started to have panic attacks in school. And to top it all, the school were incredibly unsupportive of me when I collapsing a lot, physically locking me into the nurse’s office from time to time so I couldn’t get out, forcing me to miss a lot of school to the point where it was putting my A levels in jeopardy. And I also thought it would be a good idea to do two grade 8 music exams and a diploma in the same year. So is it any wonder that I was stressed? But still, I got “Oh you’re such a drama queen!”, “Don’t be such a diva!”, “Oh my God, you’re being so dramatic!” all the time, to the point where I thought that I must be insane and unstable. And then the book came out. And I remember it crystal clear; I nonchalantly asked someone on the committee who got those titles, and she just said “You.” A few people laughed and I tried to keep my face composed and smiled with them but actually, it felt like all the air had gone from the room and that my stomach had fallen through the floor. But I just accepted it - didn’t want to make a fuss. But it’s always going to be there, should I ever choose to peruse the book in later years.

After this, I trained myself to call myself dramatic whenever I was anxious, or having a panic attack. I’d literally laugh in the face of my mental health and say “Oh I’m probably just being dramatic!” when I desperately needed help, and desperately wanted someone to notice, to take me seriously. I finally asked for help at 20 when I started throwing up from anxiety alongside 6 panic attacks a day. And I sat shaking in the doctor’s chair and said “I’m probably just being dramatic.” And she asked me how many panic attacks I could have in a day and when I said 6, she said, “You do realise that that’s very severe, and you’re not being dramatic at all.” And I just couldn’t believe it. And it made it easier whenever someone called me dramatic, or drama queen because I had that validation on the inside.

Now you might be reading this thinking “it’s just a joke!” and it might be to you. For me, those words mean unstable, weak, and silly. And I’m tired of hearing them.

But this isn’t just a pity parade for me; I know that this happens to so many people who suffer with their mental health. For example, people with depression might get told to “Lighten up” or “Stop trying to be the Queen of Darkness” or “You’re bringing me down.” An Anorexic may get called “Selfish”, “Childish”, “Attention Seeking” or get told to “Just eat a sandwich, it’s not hard!” I could go on but I hope you understand that these words and phrases aren’t helpful, mental illness isn’t something to just snap out of, and it’s careless language like this that reinforces the stigma, that stops us from reaching out, and allows the suicides to keep happening.

None of us are innocent in this, and I’m not asking you to apologise or feel guilty, I’m just asking you all to be mindful of your words.

Take it from a Drama Queen.

Lots of Love,

Sarah xxx

Today's Track: 'Breath of Life' by Florence + The Machine