Reasons To Stay Alive (part 1)
Hello!
How are you? You may be aware that I'm in therapy right now and to tell you the truth, it's the hardest thing I've ever done and everything feels pretty black right now. And sometimes things feel so dark that there doesn't seem to be any hope and I just feel pointless. And naturally, when you're in that much pain, you want to make it stop but rather than doing something drastic, I've decided to compile a list of reasons to stay alive, more for myself than anything else. And if it helps others in equally dark places, that would be great too.
1. My parents. And by parents I mean my Mum and Step-dad. They're there no matter how annoying I am, no matter what issues I have, what time it is, it doesn't matter, they've never wavered for me. And they're financially supporting my therapy which is very kind of them. And whilst my biological father may be a disappointment, I still have them.
2. My two best friends, Greg and Sophie. I tell them all the time but I love them to the ends of the earth and they are honestly two of the brightest beacons of light in the gloom just now. If you're reading this, thank you. And your threats of shrieking at me through a spirit medium should I ever feel the desire to do something stupid have been duly noted. I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon.
3. My boyfriend, Joe. Joe is incredibly long suffering, especially right now as painful memories of the past have made it difficult for me to cope with the rhythms of a relationship. Thank you for being patient with me.
4. Swimming. My brain is in overdrive all the time and I literally can't seem to switch off unless I'm in the water. In the water, my head is clear, the world feels quiet, and I can just bask in the feeling of my body getting stronger. Plus, the goal is 10km, so I've got to keep pushing through.
5. My degree. I'm at least £27000 in debt at this point so there's that but seeing all my English friends graduating this year with such radiant smiles fills me with hope that graduation is going to happen for me and that everything is going to feel so much better in a year's time.
6. Photos. Whenever things feel bleak, I look at pictures of happy times as a reminder that things don't always feel this way and that I want to be there to take more in the future. Here are a few that make me smile just now. I've also included descriptions for context.
Joe slyly took this one on the children's train at the Edinburgh Christmas Market. There were fairy lights, and Christmas tunes, and children having the best time and I just remember feeling happier than I'd felt in a long time.
This one was taken in Crete. The views were beautiful and I remember just feeling content.
This one was taken on my 21st birthday with my flatmates. I think we took some more serious ones as well but this one always makes me smile.
These were taken in St Ives this Christmas having just had some very good ice cream. Always a good occasion for a photo op!
This one was in Greece with choir. I'm on the left if you haven't spotted me. About half an hour after this photo was taken, Anna (right) got engaged to Conrad (the photographer) on the rock she's sat on there. It was a lovely day, and I feel very lucky to have been there.
This one was in Jersey last year with Mum. Unfortunately the dress I was wearing shrunk in the wash so now barely covers my knickers but I remember feeling very nice in it that evening. We also drank far too much wine and ended up giggling next to each other in the hotel room.
7. Babies. Anyone who knows me will know that the sight of a baby will never fail to cheer me up. And I know that I really want my own one day. At the moment, that can feel impossible because I'm terrified that some of the horrendous things that happened to me as a child might happen to my own baby. But things don't have to repeat themselves, and I know the signs so I'm trying to cling on to that.
Life is a beautiful thing. It's a privilege to be here with the people I love, to lie giggling on picnic blankets with a bottle of shloer as the heavens open, to cackle at our ineptitude at blowing up air mattresses, to celebrate and commiserate life's wins and losses, and to be a tiny cog in everyone else's machine of life.
If you've been with me for years, or just a short time, thank you. Dark times and trauma might be tough but I want this series of blogs to prove that I don't have to let them win.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
