She's Back
Hello!
Most of you will know by now but in case you didn't, I took a step back from the blog because Joe and I split up in mid August. I made the decision to leave but we parted on good terms however, he found the split very difficult and I have tried to be as sensitive to his feelings as possible. But now a month or so has gone by and I wanted to write again, so here I am.
Change is something that terrifies me, and it can often leave me feeling very unsettled and panicky so I often avoid it. However, the last few months have taught me that actually change can be the most beneficial thing you can do for your mental health. And alongside change, being really honest with yourself about difficult feelings is also very beneficial. I should say now that I am happier than I have been in over a year. I haven't had a panic attack in nearly a month; I haven't needed my medication in nearly two months; I have the energy for life that had been lacking for at least 6 months; I feel great to be honest. And this change happened incredibly quickly so I wanted to talk about how that happened for me.
I think it all started at the Fearne Cotton's 'Happy Place' Festival at Chiswick House on 4th August. At that point, I was nearing rock bottom. I was having panic attacks every day, things with anxiety were miserable but not only that, I felt miserable to an extent that I hadn't really reached before. I barely smiled, I felt worthless, and there were days when I'd go to bed and think that maybe I just wouldn't wake up the next day. I wasn't suicidal, I just really didn't want to feel like that anymore. And then I went to the festival.
If you don't know, the Happy Place festival is a mental health and well being festival birthed from Cotton's Happy Place podcast (which I would very much recommend). But anyway, the journey there had been very stressful and I'd accidentally left my camera in a taxi (got it back, don't worry) and I was panicking about whether it would be any good so by the time we arrived, I was verging on tears. And to be fair, I did get emotional at various points in the day (amazingly, my makeup stayed on - it had been on 15 hours when that picture was taken) so being on the verge of tears was just a sign of things to come. Anyway, I digress. I cannot tell you how much I desperately needed that day. There were celebrity speakers on all day and it felt like they were all talking to me with things I needed to hear.
The first was Bodyposipanda (or Megan Crabbe) talking about eating disorders. So the first thing I heard was her, part way through a live podcast saying "pulling at your flesh in an act of hatred is such a violent way to treat your body..." and I remember my throat just constricting because pulling at my flesh wishing it would disappear is something I've been doing every day since I was 15, and here was someone calling out for that behaviour to stop. The next was Bryony Gordon talking about what a miracle it is that we're here given the statistics of sperm etc. And she spoke about how sitting in your own sweat and self loathing is never going to work, how we all capable of being loved, how we all matter. And halfway through her speech, I found the tears running down my face and I looked around and realised that no-one else in that field was distressed by the notion that they might matter, that they might have people that loved them, and I realised that hating myself to that degree had be something I worked on. And then there was Russel Brand, and I'm not being dramatic, but he changed my life.
So I was sat on a picnic blanket next to my mum eating some extremely mediocre Mac and cheese when Russel Brand started talking about the 12 step road to recovery. And I remember he said it so directly, and so earnestly in a way that I completely related to that I forgot there was anyone else there. And notably, he only detailed the first four. "The first step is admitting you've got a problem, the second is telling someone else so you're not on your own, the third is speaking to someone who's already been through it because if the answer was in your head, you'd have found it by now, and the fourth is dealing with the shame that you carry..." and in that moment, I had an epiphany. You may not be aware but I am a survivor of repeated sexual violence and in that moment, I realised that I had stuck in shame for years. And I turned to my mum and said "It wasn't my fault, was it?" And I get emotional every time I tell this story because it felt like this huge weight had been lifted. And in that moment as well, I had a sneaking thought that the relationship I was in wasn't healthy for me and that I was only going to get better by leaving. But in that moment I squashed that thought.
Unfortunately, once I'd had the thought that I had to leave, I couldn't quite squash it. My anxiety over that next week was appalling. I ended up on full medication, multiple panic attacks daily, and then I began to throw up violently. And what was worrying me was that I knew that whatever decision I made, someone was going to be upset by it. Lots of decisions in life are like that I've found. But then I realised that the person being hurt doesn't have to me every time. So I left and the anxiety lifted and the old me is back. And I do deeply regret hurting him because he is a very good person but I know that I'm not right for him in the long run so that pain will pass.
Having done that, I decided that I would find a group for survivors of sexual violence to fully put that behind me and deal with it in a healthy way. I've decided to go in January once my dissertation is in but I can honestly say, and I don't say it a lot, but I'm very proud of myself for making that decision. And it's proved that I'm stronger than I thought.
Mental illness doesn't go away but sometimes putting yourself first and doing what scares you can make things so much better.
I'd like to extend a huge thank you to my phenomenal group of friends, parents, and admittedly friends parents for your unwavering support, I love you all.
I hope you found some of this helpful if you're going through something similar. And I'll write again soon.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
