Set Backs
Hello!
First of all, thank you for giving so much love to the last post - it definitely feels good to be back using this space. If you're new, welcome!
As you will have read in my last post, I'm doing really well at the moment however, today is a difficult day. I haven't really felt like talking to people about it but I thought I'd write because I'm sure a lot of the readers also living with anxiety will relate.
When things are bad with anxiety, or in fact any mental illness, it can feel like you're falling down a rabbit hole unsure where or when you're going to land. Or to put it slightly less poetically, it feels like you're treading water. And you're good at treading water, but your legs are tired, you're out of breath, and your feet keep getting stuck in pond weed so it becomes a real struggle to keep your head above the surface. And some days you find you're figuratively able to put your feet down to stand with your head and shoulders above water and you call that a Good Day.
When things are bad, the Good Days become something to be celebrated. Fleeting moments of equilibrium in the rough patches. But then you might find that the Good Days start to come more often and gradually you'll get to a place where nearly every day is a Good Day. People start to notice little things that hadn't even crossed your mind when you were treading water with all your might. They may notice you smile more, crack jokes that you hadn't made for months, sing to yourself, style your hair, daydream in the sun. And then you realise that you haven't had a Bad Day for weeks. This is where I'm at now.
But the thing is, in these periods of happy equilibrium, I find that I can almost forget that I have anxiety. And if I'm being really honest, the Bad Days feel like failures. But if I'm being logical, today isn't the worst Bad Day I've ever had. I haven't had a full panic attack but just got close to one. I've felt fat and gross but still persuaded myself to eat. I didn't really want to get out of bed but didn't allow that thought to become a choice. And really, the only physical symptom to speak of is a gnawing panicked sensation in my stomach and a shakiness to my legs. Today is just a treading water kind of day.
But to give some perspective, I had nearly a year of treading water with a minimum of Good Days and I'm now onto a second month of Good Days with a minimum of Bad Days, which is something of a triumph, wouldn't you say? So maybe let's not call them Bad Days, but little set backs. A sudden undercurrent to the calm waters, a little snag.
And if I were to analyse the situation, I guess this is fair enough. I've just turned 22 which feels strangely old, I have lots to do on my dissertation, I had a week off swimming but will have to go back this week, and I have a second date on Thursday that I'm a little bit nervous about. But all of it's going to be ok and I know that really. And maybe the butterflies are a good sign!
If you're also having a little dip today, don't worry, you're not on your own. But remember that your mental illness is something you unfortunately have to carry with you but it doesn't have to mean you've failed.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
