Lessons in Self Worth

Hello! To fill you in, I'm now at the scary point in my dissertation where it's almost tempting to bring a sleeping bag to the library and very difficult to focus on anything else - hence the sporadic nature of these blogs. However, I got the itch to write this morning as it really does feel like talking to a friend at this point. I've been on here for two years now and it's crazy to think that some of you have been here since the very beginning and have read every single one of my posts - if that's you, thank you so much, I hope it's been helpful for you. Today I want to talk about self worth, and dating in particular. I was at a party last night and I was talking to a friend about how dating in your 20s feels like the most terrifying challenge because there's a huge pressure to find The One. And we never quite know what The One is or what we want from them but we just know that we must spend the rest of our lives with them and be blissfully happy until we die. And we feel like 30 is some unspoken deadline to find that person and if we don't find it, we're an unlovable, disgusting excuse for a person. And this is ludicrous because we're in a generation now where the healthcare is so good that we're just refusing to die until we're in our 90s and beyond so to sign your life away at 22 until you're 97 seems just a tad extreme. And we know this but we're still mindlessly swiping through tinder telling ourselves that the list of 65 random matches sitting there having been accumulated over the past month is a sign that we're doing ok in this bizarre life competition we're all playing with ourselves. Or at least that's how I feel on my more sleep deprived days! However, my love hate journey with tinder over the last month or two has been a fantastic learning experience of self worth for me, and I thought it would a useful one to share for my fellow anxiety sufferers. I've realised since ending my previous relationship that for at least the past 5 years, I've relied on a boyfriend for self worth and validation. I wore my unwavering loyalty like a badge of honour, thought the fact I could keep a man interested in me for over a year meant I wasn't as gross as I had initially thought. It was so toxic and incredibly unsustainable. My mentality changed about a month and a half ago when I started dating someone new. It's not a serious or overly committed thing but I think we're safely at the point where he won't mind me writing about him! When we started seeing each other we agreed that neither of us was looking for anything particularly serious and that we didn't want to get bogged down in the throws of a committed relationship and that we could part ways eventually without a huge amount of fuss. It's perhaps a little less businesslike a month or so along but still, not too committed. And I remember having this discussion and saying to myself “right Sarah, this one’s not going to be your validation. You're on your own.” And it was a remarkably healthy conversation to have with myself, and once I had it, I could relax. I don't believe he is The One and actually it doesn't matter. And I think we're all so focused on ticking all of life's boxes and doing them right the first time that we forget to notice what's actually happening. As soon as you remove the future from the equation, life gets far more enjoyable and I've found I feel more confident. I stopped worrying about whether it would end because I knew it would and found that I could enjoy the fact that I was just getting to know someone else and enjoying their company. I think the problem we have in this day and age is that we live in such an instant information society. It's so easy to find things out and contact people that we miss so many steps. Tinder almost feels like a job application or a fast track way of finding The One. And we become so bogged down in fulfilling a stranger on the internet’s boxes for fear of being alone that we lose sight of who we actually are. And it's been so nice for me to accept that I can leave this relationship (for want of a better word) at any time and that he can leave as well. And it's so funny because that has been the case in every relationship but I never felt like I deserved that privilege before. What I mean is that I felt like it was so unbelievable that someone else could find me attractive or love me that I had to stay come what may because it would probably never happen again. But now I realise that that's bollocks, and being in a more chilled out situation means that he's still sticking around because he genuinely wants to. And he's fun, but I don't need him to make me an acceptable person. And I'm actually not a terrible person. Think the therapy might be working as well to be fair! So my advice to you my dear reader would be to slow down and chill out. Not every relationship has to be an epic love story with knights in shining armour and roses at your feet. Not every job you take has to be a career. Not every hobby you try has to be a burning passion. We are being blessed with lives that are so much longer than they ever used to be so why on earth are we trying to have everything done by 30? Trust me, you’re doing just fine. Lots of love, Sarah xxx