New Year/Reasons to Stay Alive Part 2
Hello!
Happy New Year! Is it too late to say that? I did say it on the blog instagram to be fair but not all of you follow me on that so we'll just call this a blanket Happy New Year.
I don't know about you but I find starting a new year can be a pretty anxious time because lots of people are publicly announcing their resolutions and there can be a pressure to make the same resolutions, or to change fundamental things about yourself overnight and become the very best you you can be. Quite often the resolutions I've seen have been diet related which as you can imagine is incredibly unhelpful for me. But this year I feel a little bit more prepared as this time last year I was in a lot of pain having ripped a muscle in my stomach from purging dangerously. At the same time I had 3 female influencers message me with weight loss programmes for the new year. There's a cruel irony to it looking back. But this year I can look at that and agree with my eating disorder that diet culture is toxic and that weight loss is not always conducive to being a better person. If you're in a rough place right now with body image, know that you don't have to diet because some random over-filtered image on instagram tells you to, and you're not alone.
Following that cheery opener, I want to talk about the fact that resolutions don't have to have to happen in January and actually you don't have to make any. January can be a time to reflect on the year that's gone by and celebrate the things you achieved rather than the mistakes you made. Life is a mixed bag, there will have been plenty of examples of both. So I decided I'd do my reflections with you in the hope that they might be in some way helpful.
I touched on my eating disorder at the start of this post so I think I'll reflect on that first. I began 2019 with a ripped stomach and my body confidence was absolutely on the floor. In the first 5 or 6 months of the year I gained weight because of the contraception I was using which of course made me very unhappy. I switched to the coil in May and began to slim down again but that isn't the point I want to make here. My body image was terrible, sure, but I made the conscious effort to both own up to my eating disorder, and to fight it. I opened up about my anorexia on the blog, I began to talk about it candidly, I had a conversation with my parents about it without lying for the first time... and not only that but I didn't respond to the weight gain by starving for the first time. I decided I wanted to recover and stay in recovery, and it's really difficult but I did a really good job last year, so I'm making a pact with myself to keep fighting it. And being honest about it all has meant that my loved ones are fighting it with me. For example, I asked for a fitness tracker to help with swimming for Christmas and unsurprisingly, I'm not allowed one. And I'm grateful to my parents for discussing that calmly and keeping me safe.
Next you may remember I agreed to go to therapy in May because I was finding everything incredibly overwhelming. But it wasn't just that I was finding things overwhelming, I wanted to die. Again, I should say thank you to my loved ones for keeping me alive. I can't tell you how dreadful it is feeling like you don't want to live anymore but I can tell you how good it feels to pull yourself out. I went to therapy kicking and screaming (figuratively) every week but I still went. I had to admit that I had been abused as a child, and sexually assaulted more than once etc. etc., and it was horrible having to relive it but actually things began to get a little bit easier as I could tell someone else that that had happened for the first time. So again, I'm proud of past me for being brave, and I recommend therapy to anyone. Bring on more therapy in 2020!
Getting a little bit less heavy now, having made the choice to leave Joe, I decided to reenter the dating game in September and with that, I made a few more resolutions. I decided I would be honest with anyone I met and had the potential to sleep with that I struggle with PTSD with sex and I have to build a trust with someone before I sleep with them. This was incredibly helpful actually as I felt like I was taking control and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. With that I learnt that some people really don't understand anxiety at all, but actually that's not on me, and I wouldn't want to be with anyone who didn't want to see past it anyway.
That being said, I put up with things I shouldn't have put up with. And I used to think that ending relationships or cutting ties wasn't something that people like me did, but of course that makes no sense and of course I can do that if I need to. So, message to future me - stop putting up with men that make you feel rubbish.
Though I feel I should say to anyone dating with anxiety. It's ok to find it difficult and scary, meeting new people is a total minefield so you've got to take it at your own pace. I would recommend turning your phone off completely and giving yourself a break from time to time. Mine is off right now, getting through the "talking phase" with literally anyone slowly drives me mad so you're not weird if you feel the same.
There are lots of things I could have included in this but I think those are the big three. 2019 was one of the hardest years of my life but I'm glad I made it to 2020 so, without further ado, here is my updated list of reasons to stay alive (in no particular order):
1. My parents for continually putting up with my chaos.
2. My two best friends.
3. All of my other friends - I love you all very much.
4. Swimming - going to swim 10km even if it kills me!
5. Edinburgh University Renaissance Singers - running this group, and singing with this bonkers group of people simultaneously drives me insane and fills my heart every week and I wouldn't be without them for the world.
6. My flatmates - obviously they come under the title of "other friends" but they have been there in the worst of times and still want to live with me - props.
7. Cups of tea.
8. Giggly hangovers.
9. Small children getting excited about simple things - you try watching a 3 year old build a sandcastle in January and not smile (recent trip to St Ives).
10. Baking.
I could go on but having been described as "irritatingly positive" about many areas of life, the list would be very long. I guess the big lesson moving forward this year is that I will always have mental illnesses but mental illnesses don't always have to have me. It's a good life.
Thank you in advance for another year of reads!
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
P.S. Got my laptop sorted!
