Perfectionism
Hello!
So I'm writing this having just had a class - I was intending to go for a swim immediately afterwards but as soon as I started to walk out of the lecture building, I felt the panic begin to rise so I reasoned that I could stop and have a cup of tea and calm down whilst doing something productive. And part of me is already feeling a bit guilty that I'm delaying the swim by an hour but I'm trying to listen to my body a little bit more. So here I am.
That being said, I wanted to come on here to talk about perfectionism because I feel like the perfectionist part of me is going absolutely berserk at the moment, and I'm sure I'm completely not on my own with it. It's a worrying time right now, I'm in my fourth and final year of my undergraduate degree, I'm applying for my postgraduate degree and worrying that there's no way I'm going to be good enough, training for a 10km swim and panicking that I won't manage to do it and I might let everybody down...
I think that's the real worry for me, that I might let everybody down. Though if you asked me who the "everybody" is for all the things I'm worried about getting wrong, I wouldn't be able to tell you. And if you asked me whether I'm being actively criticised for the things I'm doing, the honest answer would be no. It's odd, almost like walking in a parallel universe. I tell people with a pseudo-confident tone that I'm going to do a counselling diploma in Edinburgh that will last three years and will mean that I'm qualified at the end... "If they'll have me" I add at the end with a laugh. And the response from people is always "of course they will!" And in the same way, I tell people I'm going to swim 10km "hopefully" and the response is always "Of course you'll do it!" And if I shyly admit that I might be talking to someone new with the prospect of dating the afterthought is always "if he doesn't get tired of me..." and the response is always "why would he?"
And I know that these affirmations of encouragement and support are just that: affirmations of encouragement and support. But my perfectionist brain is using them to fuel the pressure I'm already putting on myself because in the back of my mind, the idea of coming back to those people and having to say the words "I didn't get in" or "I couldn't do the whole course" or "As predicted, it didn't work out" fills me with dread. And I know that they wouldn't judge me, but in my head, it's a failure.
Thus the nasty little voice inside my head that tells me I'm failing is extremely loud right now. I psych myself up to go swimming when half of my brain is saying "you're never going to do this, Sarah, and if you do, you'll finish last and everyone will laugh." Realistically, little voice, if I finish this wretched swim, I'll be bloody delighted. And I can say that here but not necessarily anywhere else. I'm staring at my personal statement and convince myself that I'll never get in so why bother trying? But if I don't try then I'm definitely not getting in so that's a ridiculous thought. And dating... oh the turbulent land of dating... I'm sure you'll all agree that it's agony - if you're not speaking to anyone or seeing anyone, you feel undesirable and vile; if you are speaking to someone, you start panicking that they'll stop talking to you at any given moment because internally you feel undesirable and vile. I know that I'm more in the second camp which is marginally preferable to the first but still pretty stressful. Bring on the day when I've been married for 20 years I say!
And on top of all this, there's the pressure to be the perfect flatmate, friend, family member, student, choir president... it's endless, and it's exhausting. And I know that I can't be perfect at anything really as I'm only human, and I'm working on my perfectionism in therapy to try and squash those childhood demons and banish the horrid little voice (or at least adjust the volume settings).
So there we are... your daily dose of worry. I don't particularly have any wisdom on how to tackle it but half the messages I get are thanking me for the things I've chosen to share. Perfectionism is a battle, and you're certainly not on your own if you can relate to this. But thank you to the people that patiently reassure me that I'm not an incompetent swamp creature, I imagine it gets frustrating at times.
Have a lovely week,
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
