So How's Therapy Going?
Hello!
I’m writing this when I really should be sleeping but I’m a bit frustrated and I want to talk. And right now I can’t talk out loud because I’ve completely lost my voice. I’m not ill - I was very ill last week and had a very bad throat but I’m famously bad at being ill and doing nothing so I pushed through it and did some singing 2 days after recovering my voice and consequently lost it even worse than the last time. You live and you learn! But anyway, I want to talk in a different way to slight interpretive dance and texting so here I am.
I think this one may end up being one of the raw ones but I’m often told that these ones are really helpful to the people reading and I think it’s important to talk about the reality of mental illness to get away from this vile romanticism of it that we so often see on social media. But anyway, I digress. Today I want to talk about where I am in therapy and the improvements I’m seeing. This is partly because I don’t like getting emotional in public so I kind of want to answer the questions that people ask me on a daily basis. I’m not complaining at all, it’s incredibly kind of you but I’m really rather bad at being honest about it face to face.
I’ve been in therapy for 8 months now. And there’s nothing particularly significant about 8 months for me but I felt this week that I’d really hit a milestone. My therapist gave me some feedback and I think it was the most meaningful praise I’ve ever received. I’m slightly hesitant to share it but I made it a resolution to start saying “Fuck it” to more things in life so here we go.
I’d just got really upset and fired up about past trauma and I said to her through my tears “I know I might be a lot of things but a coward isn’t one of them…” and she took a breath and said this:
“I think you are one of the bravest people I have ever met. These sessions are incredibly difficult but the courage you show every week, and the pain you relive is incredible, and I want you to know that I admire you so much. And you have come a huge way since we met, and you can do this.”
Admittedly this just made me cry more but I wanted to share it because in truth, therapy is the most gruelling thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding.
When I agreed to go to therapy last May, I was in a dangerous place mentally. Being honest, I was suicidal for about 4 months, and really seriously considered taking my own life in July. Therapy was partly the reason because the demons I was being made to face after 21 years were just excruciating. But therapy was also my salvation because I was finally in a space where I could say things out loud that I had never said in my life before. I had buried them and turned emotional disassociation into a fine art.
In the first 3 months, I admitted in a broad sense everything that had ever happened to me, but didn’t explore them in detail. I can now tell others (big step forward). I was abused as a child by my father and step mother; I experienced sexual violence from 3 different men; I was bullied at school; I suffered an eating disorder; I was disowned by my father; I grieved the death of my grandmother; I had been in emotionally manipulative romantic relationships; I had suffered chronic anxiety for the whole of my life. I’m not saying those things because I want sympathy because I know that that’s a lot of crap to digest. But I can admit those things now without feeling shame because that is my life. I’ve also had some very positive experiences and really wonderful things that allow me to remain positive. But the dark things are still there, and it’s ok to admit that. So that was the first hurdle.
Next, was describing some of the things that happened in more detail. And I’m still very much in that process. It might take many more months, and it’s hugely painful to relive those experiences but I’m really noticing that in forcing myself to have the strength to dig a little deeper, and allow myself to say the words out loud, I feel a release. And several releases later, I am able to process the events with more clarity and a month ago, I had an epiphany.
It was not my fault. I did not deserve to have any of those things done to me. I deserve to recover.
That realisation has been such a seismic shift in my life that I can’t talk about it without getting emotional. And the difference it’s making in my every day life is just wonderful. And now I want to tell you what that difference looks like.
I’ll start with my anxiety. Before, my anxiety disorder was like this untameable beast, completely in control of me. I’d have huge panic attacks and not understand the triggers; I’d avoid doing things because they terrified me; I felt completely trapped. 8 months of therapy has allowed me to understand the triggers and process things in a far more sensible way. I’m now able to say “This makes me uncomfortable because xyz in this situation triggers PTSD of xyz in a previous situation.” Being able to do that makes me feel far more in control. I realise that I will always have anxiety because I was born with it but it does not always have to have me. And it’s got to a point where I am really pushing my comfort zone. I am pleased to say that I’ll be flying to choir tour in Malta alone and will make my own way to the hotel. If you had asked me to do that 6 months ago, I would never have done it, but now I feel ready.
Another difference is the way I am with men. I spent many years of my life being treated like dirt by boyfriends and various other men. I realise this was because I had a twisted idea of normality and my own self worth ingrained in me from the behaviour of my Dad. And I’d be able to deal with that treatment by disassociating my negative feelings and trying to change myself in order to be the perfect person for them, to the extent that I would walk away and feel nothing. I’m now making a real effort to change that behaviour. I don’t allow myself to be treated like I’m nothing or simply there to provide sex to men. And it’s been really empowering cutting off men that have felt that level of entitlement.
However, it’s not all empowering. I used to see my ability to disassociate as a skill but I’ve since learned that it’s a symptom. Over the past couple of months, I’ve started to allow myself to feel things when it comes to relationships, and that is really scary. Recently, I found myself getting upset over a boy because things didn’t work out. And I said to my friends, “I don’t get it, this is me, I never get down over boys.” But I’m trying to see it as a sign of me getting better. I now have room to feel things. And I finally have the capacity to express those feelings.
I’m only 8 months in, and it really does feel like I’m just scratching the surface so I’m sure I’ll be in therapy for a much longer period of time, but I think it’s important to share the journey. And I don’t just think it’s important to share it for people going through the same thing, I want to share it so others can understand how to support those around them going through it. I’ve had a lot of people say “How long will it take?” Or “I’ve never needed therapy” or “I wouldn’t want to waste my money on therapy.” And I just want to say now that these are completely unhelpful, unkind statements. Therapy is not something to be ashamed of and it’s not a sign of weakness. So if you’ve ever felt compelled to say any of those to someone going through therapy, try and find a kinder way of speaking.
As always, thank you so much to everyone around me for supporting me through the highs and lows of therapy and for encouraging me to carry on when I didn’t feel strong enough. And thank you to the readers of this blog, it’s a privilege to share my journey with you.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
