The Fog of PTSD
Hello!
I took a wee bit of a break from the blog because my biological father decided it would be cool to come back into my life purely to be toxic therefore I've been a little ball of insomnia, self deprecating jokes, and propranolol. However, I've been having some struggles in other areas of life and would rather talk about that than wasting my energy on people of the past. Nevertheless, it's important to show gratitude as we go through life. Thank you to everyone who caught me when I fell, dusted me off, dried my tears, and used their best colourful language to describe the person in question. You're all stars.
Though today I want to turn the focus to dating, sex, and the minefield of PTSD. It's by no means an easy topic to talk about as it is so shrouded in shame but this blog is all about breaking the stigma on a range of topics so I've decided to push myself and be strong on this one. I've mentioned briefly before on here that I have been the victim of multiple experiences of sexual violence, many with someone I knew, some with people I didn't. That is all I am prepared to say on such a public forum as I made the decision that I didn't want to go to the police, and I have to protect myself.
These experiences left me with a heavy dose of PTSD. This was diagnosed last summer when I went into therapy. The diagnosis was actually incredibly useful because for about 4 years, I had been convinced that something was wrong with me. I would see my friends go home with people in nightclubs and enjoy it but I could never do it. I would kiss someone for 20 minutes or so before feeling a rising panic that they expected sex and running away. On one occasion, the panic was so intense that I left my friends without saying goodbye, picked up the wrong coat (swapped and sorted don't worry) and ran all the way home. The feelings got more intense when I started dating Joe and I began to have a more regular sex life. On more occasions than I care to admit, I would find myself unable to breathe, shaking, and curled up in a ball unable to bear him touching me. He was incredibly patient with me, amazingly so given the fact it took me 10 months so tell him what had happened to me. But I didn't deal with it and the panic attacks continued for the entire relationship.
As you know, I ended the relationship in August which allowed me to talk about my experiences and begin to process them with my therapist without the expectation of sex at the same time which really helped. In late September, I decided to take the plunge and download tinder and made a pact with myself that I would be honest with anyone I slept with about my past in order to prepare the both of us for anything that may happen. This was the best decision I could have made and for a few months I managed to have a casual relationship without a single panic attack. Naively, I thought this meant I had completely recovered. Sadly not.
At the moment, I'm going through another phase of grappling with my PTSD, and I really have to take my hat off to the man I'm currently seeing as he is being fantastically understanding. And I really do appreciate that it isn't easy to cope with. I think it's because I've had some really heavy knocks to my confidence over the past couple of months. I had a couple of dating things that didn't work out or went unfortunately sour, and having a revisit of communication from my dad knocked me more than I ever imagined it would. And to be perfectly honest, it makes me angry and incredibly upset.
As you all know, dating is really difficult at the best of times, and casual dating in particular can be pretty stressful. Annoyingly, I'm quite good at not getting too emotionally invested if the relationship is only destined to be a casual thing and the PTSD is really getting in the way. To give you an idea of what it's like, let me try and explain.
You've just finished having sex with your partner, you might be cuddling or talking about nothing and then... it hits. The air is sucked from the room, you feel sick, confused, dizzy, disgusting. You suddenly don't trust your partner, they're clearly there to hurt you, you see the glint in their eye that wasn't there before and can't believe you didn't see it. You can't breathe, you have to get out, the world is spinning, every experience that has caused this feeling is coming back leaving you reeling.... But they're trying to speak to you, they're asking you what's wrong, there's noticeable hurt in their eyes as they try to reach you, confused as to why you're suddenly closing them out... You know they haven't hurt you, they wouldn't hurt you, you trust them but the voice that screams at you to get the hell out of there, they're all there to hurt you, you aren't safe is louder.... you can't breathe... you can't see... you black out.
It's not always to the point of blacking out but the confusion of being with someone you trust and having the old feelings of violation are often there. I'm sure that I'm not the only one experiencing this. If you are, I am so sorry, it's exhausting, but it can and will get easier. The only thing I can do just now is to keep communicating with the person I'm with and keep reassuring them. If you're on the other side of the equation, dating someone with PTSD, keep reassuring them, make yourself absolutely crystal clear on their boundaries, and really try to understand that this isn't about you, however hard that may be.
And I know this all sounds very reasonable because I'm conscious I want to give advice and support but in reality, I'm terrified of these feelings. I'm terrified that in the end, no-one is going to want to be with me long term, or be able to love the person I become in a flare up. I don't like the person I become - she's cold, unkind, unreachable. I try my best to be as kind as I can to people so to become that, even for a short while, feels horrible. It's like I'm not in control of who I am, and it's incredibly draining.
I suppose I also wanted to write this because it may be apparent to friends and family that something is up but I'm been doing my usual and pretending everything's lovely. So if you've been wondering, it's this.
Still, onwards and upwards. I hope this was useful to someone.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
