IWD: It's Ok Not to Feel Strong.
Hello!
Happy International Women's Day. For the past 2 years, I've really looked forward to writing a blog on the 8th March, often planning for weeks in advance how best to be empowering and inspirational as a woman with a platform. And there are lots of things I could write about but if I'm really honest, I scrolled through countless International Women's Day posts on social media celebrating "strong" women, "resilient" women, "powerful" women, "superhero" women, and I just sat and cried.
All of those words have been used to describe me in the past. I get why; I'm a survivor of sexual violence, I'm at a very good university, I'm in a leadership role, I have a high level of endurance in sport... etc etc.... but today I don't feel strong. And I think there's too much pressure on women to be strong, and to rise above the trivial, and to be exceptional as a standard. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who just feels a little bit shit today.
It seems that today we're allowed to be upset about the Big Things. We're outraged about the gender pay gap, horrified by FGM, disgusted by the lack of access to education for women and girls all over the world, and we're sick to the back teeth of continued sexist discrimination against our bodies and minds. Of course I have a lot of anger about all of those things, but it's not why I'm upset today.
I'm upset because I have been trying to be strong about things that seemingly don't matter in the grand scheme of things for a long time. Right now I'm down about the fact that I've found myself in yet another casual relationship with someone who interprets the word "casual" as meaning a total lack of respect for the other person and their boundaries. I don't have romantic feelings for him but it still really hurts to feel used and unappreciated. IWD doesn't tend to encourage sitting around crying over boys but I want to argue that it's ok, and it's a real part of life. I've been feeling low because I realise I want someone to actually love me rather than just wanting sex from me. I want my Dad to love me and he never will (I know that seems quite big but I've had a lot of comments saying "he's not worth your tears").
I feel weak because I'm only swimming 5km in June and not 10km. And the very simple reason for that is that I am not physically able to swim that far. And I know in the grand scheme of things it's totally unimportant but I still feel sad, and like I've let everybody down. Not only that but it feels like I've let myself down.
Even more trivially because why the hell not, I've not replaced my hair mousse in weeks and I feel like my hair looks crap. And I certainly feel like that's something I am not meant to worry about today but I am.
I guess what I'm getting at is that it is totally fine to feel sad about the smaller things in life and we put too much pressure on women to rise above them. And I should also say thank you to the women around me who have dusted me off when I've felt low. To the girls the other day who said "You're allowed to be upset over him. He's treated you like shit" as I nursed a cup of tea in their kitchen. To the girls who have held my hair back when one more shot was a terrible decision. To the ones who have dried my tears when the loss of my Dad became too much to bear. To my mum for listening to endless phone calls about trivial worries. To the girls who have sat patiently with me as I struggled to eat when anorexia reared its ugly head. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for letting me be vulnerable.
So, to my dear female readers, it's ok. You don't have to be strong all the time to be a good woman. And I want to celebrate the fact that I won't be the only one whose superhero cape is in need of an iron and has a few grass stains today.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
