Anger
Hello!
As you can see, I sat down to write this yesterday but I just wrote the title and started crying so I'm giving it another crack today.
I've seen loads of articles and social media posts coming up with wholesome ways of looking after your mental health during lockdown and in a way I kind of feel a pressure to do that as a mental health blog but in reality I feel so much resentment towards all of those posts. I feel really fucking angry with this situation. And you know what? That's ok. I'm going to have a bit of a rant because I feel like there's been a lot of dialogue shutting down negative emotions towards this situation and I just want to put it out there that that rhetoric is toxic, it's unhealthy, and it's incredibly unsustainable.
My graduation has been cancelled, my swim in Lake Windermere has been cancelled, choir tour and concerts have been cancelled, saying goodbye to my friends at the end of my degree has been cancelled.... I could go on and I'm sure you are in exactly the same position. And yes, there are people dying, there are people who are very very ill, and I will never dispute that or trivialise those things but being sad and angry at having to miss major milestones and events that we built ourselves up for, spent hours training for, years working towards is ok. That's allowed. You are allowed to sit on the floor and sob about it because it's really hard.
To be honest though, it's not the missing of any of the above that is really upsetting me. I can and I will visit my friends wherever they are when this is over, I will swim next year, I will do choir next year, my graduation will happen eventually. That doesn't matter so much. What I'm really angry about is how hard it is to keep myself out of the danger zone of mental illness. It is unbelievably difficult. But I feel an added pressure because I have been told on numerous occasions that left unchecked, my anxiety could very easily land me in hospital and obviously, I want to keep myself away from there so they can use the beds for someone more deserving.
And if we want to be a little bit positive here, I know I'm actually doing really well but I think the reason things are so hard has a lot to do with timing.
This time last year, my mental health began to spiral downwards faster than it had ever done before and I ended up in a state of suicidal thoughts for 4 months. I'll write about that time more in the future because I think future me needs reminding that no matter how bad things feel right now, it probably doesn't come close to feeling like that. I can't really articulate on a public platform just how that felt because I'm only just beginning to be able to describe some of those feelings to my therapist. All I will say is that those 4 months felt like 4 years and I wouldn't wish it anyone. A year on from the beginning of those feelings, I have nearly 10 months of therapy under my belt. I made the decision to leave my partner at the time, I took up swimming seriously, and I have worked so hard to get to a point of stability. This lockdown situation has made maintaining that stability unbelievably difficult. I've had really intense panic attacks, I cry nearly every day at least once, my sleep is interrupted. And I'm so frightened, not of coronavirus, but of the possibility of having to fight another mental health battle like last years. And that makes me angry because it feels incredibly unfair.
Now I have so many emotions that have come out of my journey of being suicidal and anger is just one of them. Another is intense joy that I chose to keep living. I will write on that on one of my positive days because I think it's such an important message. But anger is a powerful emotion and I think we shun it far too often, and I know I have in the past. It's important to feel angry sometimes and you are so allowed to feel angry right now.
You are allowed to want to write "fuck off" on every home yoga video you see (don't actually do it though), or want to scream every time you open instagram. You're allowed to be angry with your family, with politicians, with the sun for having the audacity to shine. You have a right to that feeling. But know that everyone posting their yoga pictures or zany creations online is feeling just as scared and angry as you are. If you follow me on instagram, I can promise you that with every yoga picture (which I will wholeheartedly admit is just my own egotistical vanity over my swimming abs - no shame) there will have been an hour where I will have sat on my yoga mat and cried. With every aggressively jovial story, I will have stared out of the window trying to breathe calmly. We are all in this together, and we are all angry. And that's ok.
Don't hesitate to reach out at any time, whether you talk to me often or not, I will do my best to respond.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
