Holding onto Identity
Hello!
Though really I feel as though I should have greeted you with sounds of the Dawn Chorus as I am awake inexplicably early! I also want to briefly acknowledge that I have been extremely absent from the blog of late. I got very ill and I'm sure I'll write on that soon but now is not the time. I do hope that you and your families have managed to stay safe and sane.
Having been held in the clutches of acute anxiety for a long while now, I wanted to write about holding onto my sense of self and, more specifically, refusing to allow an anxiety disorder to become my whole identity. More importantly, refusing to let other people define me by the illness. I know this is a widespread problem, so I really hope someone finds comfort in this.
When I started this blog nearly three years ago, I remember I had desperately wanted to have my voice heard with the distinction that I was a young woman living with anxiety rather than anxiety living with a young woman. And that message is one which I feel is fundamental across advocacy for mental health awareness. The same can be said for physical conditions too, but we'll stick to the mind on here. So, my dear reader, having established this point, I want you to ask yourself something: say you met someone suffering with anorexia who was a gifted saxophone player - how likely would you be to describe them as a saxophonist rather than an anorexic? It's unlikely, isn't it? If you're being honest with yourself. And you'd be right, as you become slightly defensive now, that we shouldn't ignore the struggles of others. Fear not, I'm not saying you should. All I'm saying is that it's incredibly difficult to recover from something if it's all anybody talks about. And it's important to stress over and over again that our illness are a part of us, but they're not us.
I can't tell you how many times I have been asked "haven't you considered the impact this will have on your anxiety?" or heard "I don't think you can do this because of your anxiety." as if I might suddenly forget the ever-present battle inside my head if I'm not reminded every 5 minutes. And in a similar vein, it is astounding how often genuine parts of who I am, and attributes of my personality are turned into symptoms. My acerbic humour becomes a "defence mechanism", "something to hide behind"; my career-driven academia becomes "over-achieving", my desire to look smart becomes "overcompensating", and the determination to stay positive in the face of it all becomes "burying my head in the sand".
I've heard all of the above for years. I hear it all the time. And right now, I want to say quite forcefully that enough is enough. I do not agree that every element of who I am can be pathologised. And I don't want it to be. I have always felt joy in making people laugh, in commenting about the ridiculousness of life. I also try my best not to let anxiety get in the way of life, not because I'm ashamed of it, or hiding from it, but because it's a joy and a strength to be able to escape it from time to time. I reckon it must feel the same if you have a physical disability or a life threatening disease because so much of your life is already taken up with it that you don't need to be seen as that condition in and of itself all the time.
Now, I've ranted for quite a while now so I think it's time to be constructive. How can you help? I think the main thing if you have a loved one or colleague with a mental illness or any other condition is to acknowledge an awareness of it, and to let them know that you're listening if they need it but not to let it become a focal point. We experience a multitude of bad days where the illness is an inescapable burden. Don't try and fix it, just be present. However, when we're doing well, when we're cracking jokes after not being able to for a while, when we're genuinely happy to be alive, join in. Celebrate who we are beyond the illness. Comment that you're pleased to see us happy (if you are obviously, don't make it contrived). And for God's sake, don't make it all about you.
I'm sorry that this post was from such a place of anger but I am exhausted, I am drained, and I want to be allowed to be separate from the anxiety. I'm sure so many of you reading this feel the same.
On another note, thank you so much for all of your incredibly kind comments and messages whilst I was away. You are such a lovely bunch of readers, and I'm so grateful for you. So much love to you if you're finding everything hard just now, you're absolutely not alone and it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
