Let's Talk Intrusive Thoughts
Hello!
Is she posting more than once every 2 months? Goodness me! This is mostly jest, I think I'd stopped writing because I'd lost confidence for a bit back there, but my confidence is being rebuilt what with one thing or another so I feel more able to chat with you lovely lot. Progress!
One of the main topics on here has got to be anxiety as I would say it's the main thing which plagues my life. When one says the word "anxiety", it's almost as if you can fit every implication that word has to offer into a neat little box; it's not the case. Anxiety is a multifaceted monster of many changeable and violent forms. I've done my best to cover a variety of those forms on here over the years but I don't think I've ever gone into any real depth on intrusive thoughts. So, as intrusive thoughts are becoming a consistent companion of mine of late, I thought the time was ripe to have a little vent as I am positive that I am not alone with them.
If you're not aware, intrusive thoughts are negative, often self deprecating thoughts or ideas that arrive into your mind at random causing anxiety, paranoia, and distress. Like an abuser, your mental illness uses these thoughts to keep you in a state of low confidence, high angst, and low mood. There often isn't any truth to these thoughts but it is very easy to become fixated upon them and convince yourself that they're accurate. I should stress that everyone has intrusive thoughts from time to time so the fact that you may experience them is not an automatic cause for an internet diagnosis (keyboard bashers, put your figurative pitch forks down!) but they are particularly prevalent within anxiety sufferers.
I'll give you an example: a loved one expresses earlier in the day that they're feeling a bit down, you then don't hear from them for 3 hours. Instead of deciding that perhaps they fell asleep, or headed out for a bit, or forgot to charge their phone, your mind starts to race. They've been involved in a terrible car accident; if it's a romantic partner, they're with someone else and will be leaving you imminently; they're deliberately avoiding you because you're a terrible person; they're dangerously upset; they have done something to harm themselves... the list is endless, and it can become incredibly toxic very quickly and can cause panic attacks or just general distress. They don't even have to be situational. I know that my anxiety is very fond of telling me that the people close to me in my life hate me, find me annoying, are only tolerating me. It tells me I'm not good enough, that I can't do anything right, that I'm stupid, that I'm unattractive. I become convinced that people are lying when they reassure me and that I can't trust anyone. It's incredibly distressing but also incredibly frustrating.
I know that all of these intrusive thoughts are lies. There isn't any truth in them. And I often have that proved to me over and over again. That's an important thing to remember. I want you as the reader to remember that your intrusive thoughts are lies as well.
However, I think it's just as important to acknowledge that whilst being reassured that our intrusive thoughts are just anxiety-ridden nonsense is relieving, it also comes with a heavy weight of demoralising distress. Every time my intrusive thoughts or feelings of paranoia are proven to be unfounded, I'm often met with a crushing feeling of shame and embarrassment. You feel ridiculous and almost as though your sanity is in jeopardy. I often sit there questioning how such a seemingly calm, intelligent, and rational young woman can be reduced to such panic over such tiny things. And I'm sure many of you will be able to relate to that feeling. And I can assure you, it's nothing to feel ashamed of.
So, how can we protect ourselves? Something I work on a lot in therapy is grounding myself.
So, when I feel anxious about something or have a negative thought, I look for something positive to anchor me to rationality. For example, if a loved one has gone silent, I then think of the times when this has happened before, remember the outcomes of those occasions, work out the pattern, and soothe myself that there is usually a perfectly reasonable explanation. Or, if there is a genuine possibility of something bad happening, I think of what the logical worst case scenario could be. Once I've thought of it, I then think of how I would cope with that scenario, plan for it, and prepare it in my mind. That way, even if the worst does happen, the blow is softened. More often that not, everything's ok, and I have that relief. Grounding is a really helpful tool for me and I hope that some of you will be able to make use of it.
Intrusive thoughts are vile but you don't have to be controlled by them. Nor do you have to feel alone. I hope this helped someone, and at any rate, I certainly feel calmer having articulated this somewhere! Be kind to yourselves.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
