One Year On
Hello!
This week in August, or there abouts, marks a landmark for me. I was in two minds about marking it publicly because I know that it's a distressing topic for many, but after a fair bit of thought, here we are. A year ago, I made the conscious decision not to kill myself and to carry on living. And I'm still fucking here. And I want to talk about it.
By this point last year, I had been suicidal for 4 months. I'd planned it, replanned it, evaluated over and over again who might miss me if I chose to die, whether I could make them understand how much better a place the world would be without me in it. Life had become a monotony of numbness and extreme pain. I didn't see the point most of the time. I think I was mostly in a total fog and couldn't see anything around me. Though I do remember a really profound moment when I decided that maybe the world might be ok with me in it. I've written about the Happy Place festival and the effect it had on here before, and I will link it to this post, but I don't think that was truly the moment.
A few days after leaving Joe, I went swimming in a lake, and for one incredible moment, the fog began to lift. I could hear my heartbeat, my breath came in a rhythm, my muscles were warm, the water was cold and I felt alive for the first time in months. Then I stopped to recenter my stroke direction and can clearly remember that the sun was setting and casting an incredible orange reflection across the water and the ducks had been swimming alongside me without me noticing. It was such a beautiful image and I remember thinking in that moment "if I choose to die, I will never see this again." and, from then on, I decided I'd commit to living.
I'm aware that all of this is very sad, and I won't deny that it was an incredibly sad time but I want this post to be positive. Today has been a rough day mentally so I want to remind myself both today and in the future that life is worth living. And, if you're in a rough place right now, I hope this helps you too.
So, without further ado, and in no particular order, here are some things I have enjoyed since I decided life was pointless:
Sunshine, snow, getting caught in the rain without an umbrella, laughter, smiling until my face hurts, swimming, personal bests, submitting my dissertation, friendship, old friendships, new friendships, graduating, getting accepted onto the next chapter, alcohol, turning 22, dancing, singing, singing together, singing solo, drunken singing and falling about laughing when we forgot the words, hearing "thank you", hearing "I love you", good sex, bad sex, what the fuck was I thinking sex, Paul Simon 'Graceland', blogging, having the blog shared, hearing the blog made a difference, Trixie Mattel, cooking, cooking for friends, cooking for more than friends, cooking for family, baking, creating, henna hair dye, eyeliner, children's laughter, hugs, cuddles, holding hands at 4am, kisses, meaningful kisses, silly kisses, probably shouldn't have done that kisses, floral clothes, new underwear, bras that fit, doc Martens, phone calls, video calls, a zillion Zoom calls, road trips, Tebay services, flat white coffees, a million cups of tea, red wine, drinking Shloer and singing 'Wonderwall', dating, Disney, sending flowers, receiving flowers, photographs, hearing bagpipes, Edinburgh, Worcester, St Ives, meeting the human version of sunshine, reading, learning, hearing "you make me happy", falling in love, walking away, leaving notes, spraying perfume, saying "I'm actually really happy".
This list is by no means exhaustive but what amazes me is that it all happened in just one year. Now imagine what will be on that list in 5 years, 10 years, 30 years? Life is ridiculous and hard and beautiful, and I'm glad I'm still here.
So, happy one more year of life to me! I wonder what will happen next?
Bring it on.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
