Celebrating 5 Years Into Anorexia Recovery: A Letter to My 18 Year Old Self
Hello!
Today's post is going to have a slightly different format to my usual style, but I hope you get something out of it all the same. I wanted it to be different as I am celebrating 5 years into my recovery from anorexia - Go Me!! And I don't think the scared, starving girl at 18 would have ever believed that she would become a healthy 23 year old woman. So, I'm going to write to her, and be kinder than she ever was to herself. But first, let me flex my comparison photos! (I'll include mostly healthy shots throughout, because this isn't about the weight I lost, but the health I gained).
To my 18 year old self,
No-one said this to you because you are so private with your illness, but you're not going mad. You are very ill, and I know you know that. I know how frightened you are. You will be be diagnosed with anxiety and anorexia in two years time. I'm sorry you had to live with anorexia for 5 years before anyone told you what was happening. I'm sorry you felt you were alone. You're being incredibly strong because you know internally that the school is dehumanising you by locking you up every time you collapse. They treated you with a disgusting level of contempt but don't worry, it's going to get better. You will pass your A levels. They made you more ill, but you will pass them. I know you're frightened you won't. You will get into Edinburgh, and they will treat you with respect. You will be supported in your illness rather than punished for it. You will make friends. You will stop being bullied; you will stop feeling so terribly lonely. But right now, you are being more resilient than you realise.
I know you're frightened of how much hair you've lost. I know you're cold all the time, your tummy hurts, your mouth is filled with ulcers from the gum chewing. I know your head spins every time you stand up, and that you're covered in bruises from collapsing every day. I know you're frightened it will kill you. And I know you're still repulsed by what you see in the mirror.
But you are strong. You will teach yourself how to eat again, and it's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you'll do it. All by yourself, you'll do it. In 3 years your hair will have grown back, and it's going to be beautiful. It will take you an hour to curl your hair - I know it only takes you 10 minutes now. Your mouth ulcers will heal. Well done for never complaining. Your stomach will stop hurting, and your periods will regulate again. You'll start to become steadier on your feet. You'll manage a day, two days, a week, a month, 3 months, without hitting the floor. You'll get to see a specialist, and at 21, he'll tell you that you can drive. Hang in there!
You're going to have to put on some weight. This will continue to terrify you, but I'll tell you the most important thing: people will still love you. You are still worthy. And you're going to get some great outfits! But well done for putting on weight, no matter how much it scared you. No-one has praised you for that, so I will. Your ribs don't need to show, I promise.
I'm painting a rosy picture and I know you don't buy it. Recovering hasn't been easy. You're going to relapse more than once. In your second year of university, people will worry. I'll show you what you looked like, to prove to you that you are capable of picking yourself up again.
In your third year, you're going to tear your stomach muscles from purging. I'm sorry. It'll hurt. But you'll pick yourself up again with more determination, I promise. In your fourth year, you'll flourish. And as you struggle through your sit ups, let me tell you what you're going to achieve.
You're going to leave a controlling relationship of your own volition. You're going to swim really long distances and have the energy to do so! It will have taken you 4 years of recovering, but you'll do it! You'll overtake men in the fast lane, and you'll smile as you power through the water. You'll learn to experiment with food, and you'll be good at it! You'll get a degree. And then you'll be accepted to train as a counsellor. You'll sing, and laugh, and love, and you'll eat until you're full, and you will feel happiness that you don't think is possible right now. But I promise you, it's happening!
And I know you feel alone, but you're not. One of your friends supporting you now is going to fall in love with you and make you the happiest you've ever been. And you will eat on FaceTime with him, and he will tell you he's proud of you, and you will be ok.
Recovery will be hard. You will fight the voices every single day but you will win. But, from your 23 year old self, I am so bloody proud of you. Keep going, girl!
Solidarity to anyone battling an ED. Here's to the next 5 years!
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