Healing From Grief and Emotional Pain
Hello!
So it's been a little while since you've heard from me on here and I have missed the space. Some of you may know that I'm currently not using my social media apps on my phone (I shared this to Facebook via my blog site) as I need time to heal with my closest circle. To cut a long story short, I fell in love with someone only to have him take a blunt axe to my heart and put the pieces through a food processor. It's agony, but life goes on. Thank you to my closest for looking after me whilst I go through this, and to my flatmates for putting up with me sobbing to James Blunt - I mean, if we have to hurt, at least make it theatrical! But anyway, let's get to the point.
I had wanted to write this piece for a while as I feel like a lot of my readers will be going through some form of grief or heartbreak during the pandemic, and there has certainly been a dialogue on social media (or at least there was when I was on it!) surrounding emotional pain, and it is two years since I lost my Grandmother and my Father in the same year. Originally, I wanted to comment on the way grief matures as time passes as I had not expected to go through a fresh pain but everything happens for a reason, and I now have perspective on taking care of yourself from the very beginning until the mature stages. Swings and roundabouts eh?
Let's start with fresh pain. I'm going to be quite businesslike with this in terms of advice because it's still very raw so I do hope that's alright.
Acceptance.
When you experience something that hurts you very deeply, whether it's the death of a loved one, or someone leaving you, it can be tempting to deny to yourself that it hurts. It can be tempting to refuse to accept that it's really happened because surely that person would not want to put you through that level of agony, surely they know you can't bear to lose them.
The first step, and it's incredibly hard, is really accepting that you're in pain, and that this pain is unlikely to leave you for a while. Let yourself cry, let yourself be angry, let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling because preventing it will only make it worse later on. I promise it will ease in time.
The second step in acceptance is to acknowledge to yourself that the event has happened. With a death, this step is excruciating as I know that every atom of your being wills them to come back and the knowledge that they won't is one of the hardest parts of grief. Be kind to yourself if this acceptance doesn't come straight away.
With a breakup on the other hand, you have got to accept that the person has left you. Trust me, no amount of pleading with them, trying to make them understand how much you love them, or searching for understanding is going to make it stop hurting, nor is it, I'm afraid, going to make them love you back. The sooner you accept the relationship is over, the sooner you can begin to heal.
Space
Now, everyone processes pain in different ways but for me, space and silence to process my feelings are fundamental. When I was grieving for my Grandmother and my Dad, I would shut myself in my room to sob by myself, I would go to weekly mindfulness meditation classes alone, and I would walk by myself listening to a playlist of songs I had collected to remind me of them both.
With the current pain, I have deleted my social media apps from my home screen (I am still checking them twice a day to make sure I don't miss anything urgent. If it is urgent, use my email address or phone number) to avoid looking at photos of him or analysing what he's doing. I also don't feel strong enough to talk to lots of people and I am aware that I have to stay afloat to carry on with my job and my degree.
Taking this further, I am choosing to ignore people who have demonstrated that they are not there for me or fail to match the level of respect I have for them. To those who have messaged me on Facebook asking after me, don't be offended, I'm not referring to you, I will get back to you in time.
To my dear readers, you do not owe your time and energy to people who routinely hurt you, even if you have a history. Always prioritise your health and well-being, even if this is initially difficult. I remember making the decision to cut all ties with my Father if he ever decided to change his mind on disowning me. At first, it felt like a pain I could never recover from but in time, I made peace with that hurt, and decided that I felt so much stronger without his energy in my life.
Thank you to those currently waiting for a response. I do appreciate you and hope to be back to full energy as soon as possible.
Focus
When something really hurts, it can make you feel worthless or make you fall on the floor in defeat. This might seem harsh but you have to remember that whatever happens or has happened, you still have a life to live. Your loved ones who have passed on would not want you to stop living because they have stopped living. You are allowed to have joy and make memories that they will not be part of because they will always have been part of your life.
In the same way, you cannot stop living your life because someone has chosen to walk out of it. You have your own dreams, goals, talents, and strength and no-one should be allowed to have the power to take those away from you.
Allow yourself to hurt but don't allow yourself to fall.
Solace
I have always found it helpful to remember that I am not alone. I am so lucky to have the most incredible circle of friends and family, and to have the most fantastic life in Edinburgh. I am so grateful to all of them, they have truly outdone themselves every time I've needed support.
Outside of friends, I have some recommendations.
In my humble opinion, everyone on Earth should be following Matt Haig. He is an author, mental health advocate, and all round Good Egg. His posts never fail to bring me joy and comfort. Go and check him out!
Something else I believe everyone should read is Lainey Thomas's blog. I met Lainey in my first year of university and can't claim to know her all that well, but her writing never fails to stun me for its tenderness and raw honesty. It's gorgeous, and I am so grateful to her for sharing her mind with us. https://laineythomas.wordpress.com
And my third recommendation would be 'A Spot of Bother' by Mark Haddon. It's my favourite book and I have yet to find a better depiction of anxiety. Give it whirl, trust me.
I think that's all from me for now. Thank you for your patience. If he reads this, it's been a privilege and given time, I hope it's not the end.
Deep breaths, this too shall pass.
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