IWD: Speaking From the Sisterhood of Silent Survivors
Hello!
It's certainly been a while, but I wanted to continue my tradition of writing on International Women's Day. I must confess however, that I felt somewhat at a loss in terms of what to write about. This year's theme is "Choose to Challenge", and thus social media was full of women being strong, empowered, and truly fantastic; I smiled as I read their stories, heard them as they played their drums of war, engaged with them as they raised their voices and fists to injustice.... and had an increasingly sinking feeling that I did not fit.
Sunday 28th February marked one year since I was a victim of a violent sexual assault, leaving me with a serious shoulder injury, permanent scarring, and severe PTSD. And, like so many other women, I did not go to the police. I did not "choose to challenge". In fact, I didn't tell anyone for at least 2 months afterwards. It took me 9 months to seek professional treatment on my shoulder. To be honest, I think I've only just accepted that it happened, and that it wasn't my fault.
And why didn't I report him? He has a very favourable reputation in the eyes of the law, we were not in a serious relationship, and I have a long standing history of mental illness. It is highly unlikely that I would win. Even if I did, I don't know if I would have the strength to face cross examination, physical examination, and the presence of my attacker. I am well aware that what he did was fundamentally wrong, but I know that the odds are stacked against me.
So we come to today. And I must ask how I can possibly feel empowered if my only course of action (if I am to carry on with some semblance of sanity) is to remain silent, be grateful for my survival, and let him walk free? How can I join in with choosing to challenge if I feel that my voice will not be heard? How can I call myself a real feminist?
My story is not unique, and I am sure that there are hundreds of survivors like me fighting to rebuild their life. I know there are millions of women and girls who will also have spent many a night crying into their pillows and willing their minds to stop replaying their attack. There are millions of women who share my silent survival. It isn't fair. And it is not fair to continually demand our strength, or continually shun our pain.
To my sisters, I am sorry. I am sorry for the questions on what you wore, how much you drank, and what you said. I am sorry for the nightmares, the injuries, and the disrespect. I am sorry that so many of us feel forced into this silent abyss. I am sorry. I stand with you. I hurt with you.
The situation is fucked, and we have a long way to go, but here's another tired and angry woman shouting into the void!
Thank you for reading.
Lots of Love,
Sarah xxx
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