New Year Reality Check
Hello!
Happy New Year, Readers! It's a strange one, isn't it? We're still in a pandemic, still inside, still having a difficult time and yet (and I'm hoping this isn't just me) we're still being annihilated by "New Year New Me" rhetoric on social media. We're still being asked "And do you have any resolutions?" every 5 minutes. And I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling overwhelmed. I'm not going to be setting any resolutions. There. I said it. And before I start feeling guilty about that as I see another fitness guru completing their 600th burpee, I'm going to give myself a reality check. Strap in!
2020 started off with me feeling a bit lost. I didn't have a boyfriend as I had left a loveless and controlling relationship. I was unsure if I even wanted one, but knew that I had felt incredibly lonely for a long time. I had finished my dissertation but still had to finish my degree, and everything felt a bit off piste. So, in order to fill the empty void, I started sleeping with people to try and make myself feel something. Spoilers: it didn't work. And then it all went badly wrong.
On 1st of March, I found myself the unfortunate victim of a violent sexual assault. I was badly injured, and my shoulder is still recovering even now. I didn't tell anyone at first as I think I was in shock. Soon after, I entered into a bizarre virtual "dating" situation with someone completely wrong for me in a desperate bid to move on. Naturally, this fell apart, and I spiralled into a clinical mental breakdown.
I was collected from Edinburgh by my Mum, and spent the summer in a fog of anxiety, exhaustion, and disordered eating patterns. It was tough. Unbelievably tough. I don't think I've ever been so ill through mental illness before, let alone during a pandemic.
Barely having recovered from that, I came back to Edinburgh to start my post-graduate degree. I was prescribed Sertraline - an antidepressant used to treat anxiety, and I noticed the fog begin to lift. My shoulder had been niggling, but I was itching to get back to swimming as lockdown had stopped it, so I tried to go back. Big mistake. This brought my shoulder injury back with a vengeance, and with that came violent PTSD, and hallucinatory flashbacks. I've written about these at some length and have no real interest in giving glorious, technicolour detail at present. Bottom line, the last 2 months of 2020 contained a lot of PTSD attacks, night terrors, insomnia, and distress. I also struggled to fight off the voices of my eating disorder as I felt my mind spiralling out of control.
But, despite all of that, I made it through.
I managed to laugh, complete my assignments, enjoy food, feel the sun on my skin, and enjoy the warmth of friendship. I began a romantic relationship with Matt, with whom I'd been a close friend for over 6 years, and, despite the PTSD, despite the exhaustion, I began to feel happy. I managed to spend 5 days with him in person (we are long distance) before Tier 4 was announced. 5 days filled with laughter, affection, and love. I don't know when I will see him in person next, but I am optimistic about our future. I made it through the year with fantastic friends, and made some new ones to replace the ones who had to be left behind. My family got through the year safely and healthily. But most importantly, I walked into 2021, toasting the person I love most in the world over FaceTime, and I could say "That was the hardest year of my life, but I made it."
So actually, I don't think I need to set any big goals. I would like to just make it through and do my best to have a happier year. I imagine I will.
Well done on making it through 2020. And it is more than acceptable for your goal to be to survive 2021.
Thank you for continuing to read as we enter our 4th year of All In You Head!
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