Self-Destructiveness
Hello!
I feel slightly apprehensive writing this as it's not something I'm particularly pleased to admit. That being said, part of the purpose of this blog is to hold myself accountable, so here we go. Those who know me well will know that in general, I'm a fairly self-destructive person. I can do things which will harm me later almost as a defence against anything bad happening to me. I.e. if I make something bad happen, at least I'm in control of it. Usually my self-destructive tendencies are fairly low-level, but the past fortnight has been pretty severe. I'm conscious that if I don't acknowledge it now, things may spiral out of control so I'm seeing this post as a way of getting a handle on things again. If it helps anyone else, that's great too.
So, what's going on?
If you read my last post you'll know that I went through a bit of heartbreak a couple of weeks ago. I don't really want to say any more about that situation except that it was the trigger for me to hit the self-destruct button, almost to cause more damage as a way of coping. It's illogical, I know.
I started off by texting a couple of ex-partners. I don't really know what I was hoping to achieve but I suppose a silver lining was having two perfectly reasonable conversations. I tend never to contact ex-boyfriends so I guess there had been enough time passed in both cases to have a dialogue. Still, a poor decision on my part. Then I started working at unsustainable hours to avoid going to bed. I work as a freelance transcriptionist so I can choose my hours but working until 2am just to avoid sleep is not a good idea. Thankfully, my work quality didn't suffer, but there was the definite thought in the back of my mind that it could, that I could just wreck my metrics (which had been perfect) for no reason.
I threw myself back into exercise and of course, that's a really positive thing. Refusing to sleep properly beforehand was decidedly less positive and I've been so tired, and a previous injury has been saying hello again. Pushing it further on the nights when I was feeling really upset, I drank gin straight from the bottle. Thankfully I've only done that twice. It's very out of character though, and it started to scare me, but I couldn't seem to stop myself from behaving irrationally. And needless to say, it didn't help.
Things definitely hit a breaking point on Friday. I'd had a really tough day at uni so was feeling pretty emotionally battered by the time I got home but had to look lively as it was my flatmate's birthday. We were going to have cocktails and generally have a bit of a party in the kitchen as we can't go anywhere in Scotland. This was all very well and good, but a month ago, I was put on Sertraline (an anti-depressant also used for anxiety). I had admittedly deliberately not checked whether you could drink alcohol on it. Spoilers: you shouldn't. Especially not to excess.
One of the side effects of Sertraline is that it can trigger mania, especially if you mix alcohol. I'm sure you can see where this is going. I ended having a manic episode and refused to stop drinking. When I say I refused, it felt like I literally couldn't stop. If you know me well, you'll know that I always stop when I think I've gone too far. Always. On this occasion, I felt completely out of control, like I had to drink into oblivion. Of course I threw up at one point, but even then, I didn't stop. I had also got it into my head that no-one cared about me so even if I drank a dangerous level of alcohol (which I had done, even without throwing prescription drugs into the mix), it wouldn't matter, no-one would care. I ended up reacting fairly severely, but I was incredibly lucky. I woke up at 6am in a pool of my own vomit but managed to have the presence of mind to clean it, and sort myself out. I spent the rest of Saturday with a splitting headache, shaking, and throwing up. It was awful but it could have been so much worse.
I'm ashamed of it to be honest, and it frightened me, but acknowledging it on here feels like making a pledge to you, and to myself, that it can't ever happen again. Things at uni and at work are ironically going really well so I think it's probably about time I stopped trying to ruin it?
Moving forward, I'm still spending as little time as possible on Facebook (would absolutely recommend), distancing myself from toxic people, I'm not going to drink any alcohol for at least a month if not more, focus on work, surround myself with positive people. I was also due to go home next weekend but I've made the decision not to go. This feels really positive, and my parents are on board with it.
I also want to say thank you to my flatmates and parents for supporting me through the past couple of weeks. I also want to apologise for being on a mission to be the most worrying human in your life.
I think that's all I want to say on here. There's been quite a bit left unsaid but I hope it was in some way helpful to others. Onwards and upwards.
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